


georgia (georgia, i love your son)

by jiaras



Category: Outer Banks (TV)
Genre: Angst and Fluff and Smut, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Christmas Fluff, Domestic Fluff, Eventual Smut, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Idiots in Love, Mutual Pining, Past Child Abuse, Post-Canon, Smut, or as eventual as it can be in a oneshot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-26
Updated: 2020-09-26
Packaged: 2021-03-08 02:15:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 25,384
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26668072
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jiaras/pseuds/jiaras
Summary: ‘’J—’’ Kiara attempted to softly lead him away from the kitchen, but the boy didn’t bulge. Held on to her wrist and removed it from his own chest, breaking all physical contact between the two.Kiara figured he might just be scared she’d be able to feel his heart shatter.‘’I was a kid, Georgia,’’ the woman flinched by the use of her given name. ‘’You could’ve taken me with you. Why didn’t you fuckin’ take me with you?’’• • •Two years after Sarah and John B died (or disappeared, if you asked JJ), Kiara and JJ must deal with the return of a familiar face to the Outer Banks.
Relationships: JJ & Kiara (Outer Banks), JJ/Kiara (Outer Banks)
Comments: 44
Kudos: 189
Collections: Jiara Ocean Kiss Soulmate Endgame Excellence (aka a jiara-centric fic collection)





	georgia (georgia, i love your son)

**Author's Note:**

> well, this story has been living in my mind rent free for about 2 months now and it turned into kind of a monster, but I hope it was worth the wait and y'all enjoy it!
> 
> (as usual, I added some smut, but if it's not your thing you can just skip through it, you'll know when it's coming so just jump over to the next • • • and you're good!)

**_‘’Georgia, Georgia, I love your son._ **

**_And when he gets older, he might be the one’’_ **

**_Phoebe Bridgers_ **

For six months after Sarah and John B’s disappearance, what was left of the Pogues kept on waiting for their return. The sound of footsteps walking in the muddy ground outside the Chateau (that would, more often than not, belong to one of the three remaining Pogues) and a particular humming noise at Rixon’s that sounded an awful lot like John B (but, in the end, always came from a random teenager from The Cut) were more than enough for the trio to be frozen in place, hearts skipping several beats and stomachs twisting. 

But it was never them. 

Pope was the first to give up — took him a little less than five months to visit the Cameron’s family plot in Tanny Hill with a single large engraved headstone, and exactly six to leave forget-me-nots by the wooden memorial made for John B in Roanoke Island. 

It took Kiara twelve months, only a few days after the anniversary of their disappearance — with three hundred dollars from her savings, she arranged for two trees to be planted in High Point as a tribute to her lost friends (a Southern Magnolia for Sarah, and a Willow Oak for John B). Pope was the only one she told about the gesture, and he promised to visit and take pictures of the growing trees for her the next time he spent Thanksgiving with his grandparents in Guilford County.

JJ was another story. It had already been over a year and a half by then, and every night the boy still left on a flickering light in the front porch of the Chateau — ' _just in case'_ , he’d whisper to Kiara every time, a joint hanging from his chapped lips. 

Kiara had learned to be mindful whenever her conversations with JJ turned to Sarah and John B — never use past tense, pretend that the memorial of plastic flowers close to the spot where the boat supposedly sunk wasn’t there even if they were driving right by it, don’t mention the Southern Magnolia and the Willow Oak in High Point, agree that the front porch light should be kept on. 

The first few weeks after the storm took more than a heavy toll on JJ — so heavy, in fact, Kiara lived in fear of losing another one of her best friends. If pretending she shared his irrefutable belief over Sarah and John B’s safe return was enough to keep him from spiralling again, she was more than happy to oblige. 

They had all learned to deal with the loss in different ways — JJ, after three months of smoking and drinking himself into oblivion, knew he had to work to pay what he owed and keep the Chateau afloat for when John B returned. Pope turned all of his focus to school, per adamant request of Mr. and Mrs. Heyward, and managed to get himself into Duke, making the four-hour move to Durham as soon as he held his high school diploma in his hands.

And Kiara, well— Kiara took care of JJ. Found him passed out by a tree stump in the Boneyard sometime around month two, and just about moved into the Chateau with him to make sure he got his butt to school every morning and stopped filling the fridge with semi expensive tequila he stole from a bar by the fishing pier and ingredients for Long Island Iced Tea. Got him a job as a mechanic midway through the third month with a decent enough wage for JJ to keep making the monthly restitution payments agreed to in court. Went after Luke by the end of month eleven, without JJ’s knowledge, to let him know she’d call the police and tell them about the drugs in the house if he dared bother his son again.

She needed her boys to be safe — or what was left of them. And even before the tragedy that ravaged their lives, it was no secret that JJ and safety didn’t really go well together. So, by senior year, Kiara spent most of her time at the Chateau with JJ, surfing with JJ at Kill Devil Hills (every other weekend, when the waves were good, they’d take the Hatteras Ferry to Ocracoke Island) and smoking the best hydroponic weed in all of Kildare with JJ at Rixon’s Cove or in the hammocks outside the house. 

She wanted to know he was safe, that was all — nothing else to it. And after they graduated, after Kiara made sure JJ worked just hard enough and attended just enough classes to get his diploma, it’s not as if she could leave straight away, right? Not when Pope was already going to Durham, not when Kiara using all of her savings and buying a one way ticket to Jakarta meant that JJ would be the only Pogue left on their little island. 

Kiara couldn’t leave without JJ, and she knew he wasn’t ready to. So she stayed. Told her parents it was a gap year until she figured out what she wanted to do, and they were still too worried she might have a breakdown over the loss of her two friends to say anything other than _fine, Kiara, then a year it is_. She did her best to ignore all of the University of North Carolina brochures, pamphlets and campus maps they kept _accidentally_ putting inside her locker at The Wreck. 

‘’Dad, I’m taking some food for JJ too.’’ Kiara threw the cloth she had been using to clean a table over her shoulder. 

Was Mike Carrera a big fan of the boy from The Cut his daughter had been as good as shacking up with since she was sixteen? _No_. Was he a big fan of feeding said boy every other night? _Hell no_. But Kiara had that breezy, effortless smile on her face that he had gone so many months without seeing once, so he bit his tongue and only eyed her semi-disapprovingly before declaring, ‘’Make sure it’s from the ten dollar menu.’’

She kissed him on the cheek with a quick _thank you_ and felt his well trimmed beard against her sweaty skin. All things considered, Kiara’s dad had been easier to handle than her mom. Mike did have some apprehension over JJ Maybank’s proximity with his daughter, but trusted Kiara enough when she swore on the Sea Turtle Rescue Center in Surf City that she and the blond boy were just friends. Anna was a different story, the phrases _it will destroy me when that kid knocks her up_ and _she’s on track to becoming a fisherman’s wife_ having been overheard by Kiara on more than one occasion. 

People always had a tendency to assume she must be macking one of the Pogue boys, but Kiara wasn’t one to entertain gossip, especially the Kook kind. In fact, all throughout her life, someone dared ask her which one of the Pogues she was sleeping with, she’d turn with a puff chest and a poker face to declare ' _all three of them, of course'_. 

If everyone wanted to assume she and JJ were going at it like rabbits just because she had spent nearly every night at the Chateau since Junior year, let them — Kiara refused to give them the time of day. Besides, working at The Wreck wasn’t a bad job for any means (good enough pay, great tips, free food), and if that meant having to deal with some side-eyes and raised brows whenever a certain JJ Maybank was mentioned, so be it. 

Kiara made her way to the kitchen and _mostly_ followed her father’s ten dollar menu rule. Prepared JJ his favourite panini with roast beef, a slice of cheddar cheese and extra sweet pickles — but when Mike wasn’t looking, she made sure to add a Monterey Jack chicken quesadilla on the side and a butter pecan milkshake for good measure. It was Friday, and she knew the boy would’ve been working all day on replacing the engine of a G-Wagon that was left at the auto shop. 

That had become their routine over the past couple of months since graduating: waking up bright and early to head straight to the Avon Pier in Hatteras for a nice morning surf, eating frozen grapes and trail mix while lying in the sand, working all afternoon (JJ at Willy’s Repair Shop and Kiara at The Wreck), meeting back at the Chateau for dinner and some episodes of _The Good Place_ (Kiara’s choice, because last time she let JJ choose, she had to go through three seasons of _Big Mouth_ ) and smoking a blunt in the hammocks for a couple of hours until they felt like sleeping. _It was good_.

It was better than good, actually. It felt like the way it was supposed to be, given the circumstances — the remaining two sticking together, no matter what.

‘’Kiara?’’ The girl had been so focused on texting JJ she’d be at the Chateau soon while walking to her car, the bags of food nearly dropped to the concrete floor with the unexpected sound of a female voice right behind her. 

A 40-something year old woman stood close to Kiara, but approached carefully — she had a somewhat familiar face that Kiara couldn’t quite put a finger on, a sculpted jawline and a deep dimple on only one side of her mouth that made an appearance when she smiled. 

‘’That’s me,’’ Kiara confirmed, her high-pitched voice implying she was withdrawing. After everything she had gone through two summers before, the girl had come to be quite wary of strangers. ‘’Do I know you?’’

‘’Oh, I figured you might not remember me, it’s been a few years now,’’ she had a noticeable Southern drawl, the syllables all drawn out. ‘’You’ve gotten so tall too, I only realised it was you after I heard you call Mike dad.’’

Kiara was only at a loss for a second longer, because soon the woman took a step forward and her face was lit up by the street light. There was no mistaking those big, baby blue eyes.

‘’Georgia?’’ Kiara asked with a soft, shaky voice unnatural to her. The golden brown skinned girl could feel her entire body freezing into place, unable to move, a cold wind going right through her.

Kiara had not seen Georgia Maybank for the past six years. She now had blunt bangs covering most of her forehead and lines around her thin lips, but not much else seemed to be different — she still wore her signature light wash mom jeans and bit the inside of her cheek anxiously (only one of the many mannerisms JJ picked up when he was a boy). 

Georgia took another step forward, staring at the girl in front of her head to toe. For a moment, Kiara felt slightly self-conscious of the state she was in: brown curls greasy from working the fryer, thin beige crop top covered in ketchup and mustard stains and skin that most definitely reeked of shrimp and parmesan sauce — but Georgia had never been one to pay attention to any of that. In many ways, Georgia Maybank was the complete opposite of Anna Carrera, and that was perhaps what made Kiara so drawn to the blonde woman when she was a young girl.

‘’I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you.’’ Georgia apologized, blinking rapidly. Only then Kiara noticed her hands were shaking, a tapping sound coming from her many bracelets’ colorful beads. 

Kiara held on to the bags of food tightly, steadying herself. ‘’You didn’t—’’ she trailed off, still struggling to make sense of the image in front of her. ‘’You didn’t scare me, I’m just surprised, I guess.’’

 _She left_ , Kiara still remembered the cracking voice of a twelve year old JJ mumbling on a Sunday morning, ' _my Ma’s gone, took all her shit'_. He made it seem like he didn’t care, but Kiara knew he did, even then — his blue eyes were bright red, as if he had been crying for a few hours earlier that day.

And suddenly the shock turned into anger. Kiara was angry for her best friend, or better yet, she was _fucking furious_. ‘’What are you doing here, Georgia?’’

 _Alive? In the Outer Banks? At the badly lit car park by The Wreck?_ Kiara herself wasn’t sure what she was asking, but Georgia could clearly feel the girl’s bewilderment turning into indignation, and took a step back. 

The blonde woman swallowed nervously. ‘’I heard about Johnny.’’ Kiara hadn’t heard anyone call John B _Johnny_ since Georgia took them all out on the boat one day before leaving the Outer Banks. 

‘’John B disappeared almost two years ago.’’ _Disappeared_ , not died — because Kiara couldn’t let that word slip when she was with JJ, so it was easier to just not use it, ever. 

Georgia fidgeted with the fake pearls from her necklace, the one JJ had given her for Mother’s Day when he was eleven. Kiara still remembered how the boy mowed lawns in Figure 8 every weekend for three months to buy it at a little shop by The Avon Fishing Pier — he was short of eight bucks, so Kiara tucked a ten dollar bill into his boardshort’s back pocket without him noticing. 

‘’I do wish I’d heard about it sooner, sweetheart,’’ she stuttered, but there was a speck of sincerity in her blue eyes Kiara couldn’t deny. ‘’I ran into an old friend just a few days ago, and he told me about Johnny. I just had to come.’’

Kiara tightened her grip on the brown bags (all reusable, after she bugged her dad about it for two months) until her knuckles turned white. Georgia, clearly noticing the girl’s astonished state, chose to keep a safe distance and hide her hands behind her back anxiously.

‘’I stopped at Luke’s earlier today,’’ Kiara felt her stomach turn, and searched for any signs of bruises or lesions on Georgia’s arms and legs. ‘’Didn’t come in or anything, but— well, I looked through the windows, just to check. The place looked empty.’’

And it was — Kiara knew so. For the first few months after the Phantom capsized in the tropical storm that also took Sarah and John B, JJ had managed to avoid the wrath of one Luke Maybank, but it didn’t take long for the man to find his son at the Chateau once he was conscious enough to understand what had happened to his precious boat. Took his anger out on JJ so harshly the boy ended up at the hospital for two and a half weeks, and Kiara brought matters into her own hands — made sure Luke Maybank knew she’d come for him if he ever tried anything like that again, and got Pope and Mr. Heyward's help in getting all of JJ’s belongings out of that house. 

‘’JJ doesn’t go there anymore, hasn’t for over a year,’’ _you should know this,_ Kiara wanted to say, but bit her tongue. _You would know if you had been here_. ‘’We mostly stay at the Chateau, or my house sometimes, when it’s too hot.’’ 

The _we_ came out casually, and if Georgia read something into it, she made no motion to mention it. Instead, she simply nodded. ‘’How is he?’’

_Fine, considering everything we’ve been through. Not so great at night._

‘’You should ask him yourself.’’ 

‘’I want to,’’ she took a deep breath. ‘’Sweetheart, I want to see him.’’  
  


• • •

  
  


JJ had been locked in his room at the Chateau for the past hour. 

‘’You shouldn’t have brought her here.’’ Kiara watched him swallow hard, his hand waving vaguely in the direction of the door.

Well, but in Kiara’s defense, what else was she supposed to do? JJ wasn’t picking up his phone or answering any of her texts (one of his greatest flaws, that Kiara had been pointing out for years), some particularly heavy rain had started to fall down and Georgia didn’t have anywhere else to go. Kiara had found herself stuck between a rock and a hard place, and simply figured it was better to allow the mother and son reunion as opposed to having Georgia leave the lot alone to look for a motel and risk the woman changing her mind about seeing JJ.

Because, like it or not, Kiara _knew_ JJ. Not only the party-hard-surfer-too-cool-for-school JJ, but the JJ who still wore his mother’s golden wedding ring on his pinky finger and sometimes called for her name while he slept, asking her to come back. Well, she did — late and unannounced, but back nonetheless, and Kiara couldn’t risk taking that away from him.

‘’I didn’t know what else to do,’’ she explained, lying on the bed next to JJ, back against the headboard. She knew he couldn’t be truly angry at her, because her legs were resting on top of his, and his calloused thumb drew shapes on her skin. ‘’I’m sorry, dude. I can ask her to go somewhere else, if you think—’’

‘’What does she even want here, anyway?’’

And that was a tricky question, because apparently, Georgia didn’t know the answer herself. Kiara had spent all twenty minutes of the car ride from The Wreck to the Chateau hoping to get something out of Georgia, hands shaking and neck sweating nervously from both having to drive in the rain (she wasn’t a fan of storms, not after what happened when they were sixteen) and the blonde woman sitting next to her. 

Kiara arrived home pretty much short of information — all JJ’s mother seemed to keep mentioning was just recently hearing about John B and hoping to see her son, six years older and much different to the hyperactive good-time-all-the-time boy she previously knew. 

JJ still recognized her immediately, though. The soft smile he had prepared for Kiara as soon as she walked through the front door of the Chateau turned into a frown, jaw clenched, his usually sun kissed skin turning a sickly pale white. _What the fuck_ were the only words to escape his lips, over and over again until he pulled Kiara into the room with him and locked themselves in. 

‘’She just said she wanted to see you.’’ Kiara said, and he looked at her incredulously, raising his eyebrow.

‘’I’m too old for this shit.’’

 _You’re never too old for a mom_ , Kiara wanted to say, but decided against it when his hand left her calf and reached back, ruffing through his messy hair and making it look even more wild that it usually did, spiking up in every direction. 

The rain that had started somewhat light by the end of Kiara’s shift at The Wreck seemed to get stronger by the minute, and the sound of the droplets splashing against the room’s window were nearly enough to muffle JJ’s worn out sighs. The knock on the door was clear, though, and Georgia called out for them after sitting quietly in the living room for over an hour. 

JJ closed his eyes shut and threw his head back, hitting the wall with a loud thud. ‘’Don’t want to fucking talk to her.’’ It was loud enough for the woman outside the door to hear, Kiara was certain. 

She nodded. ‘’I can get an Uber and have it take her to that motel in Buxton,’’ JJ bit the inside of his cheek, and the girl placed her hand on his knee tenderly. Kiara knew warm and affectionate human touch was, more often than not, what it took to calm JJ down. ‘’Or she can stay here and we talk in the morning.’’ 

The boy rubbed the back of his neck, and Kiara had been friends with him long enough to know what that meant. ‘’Whatever, I don’t care.’’

Oh, he cared, alright. She knew he did — JJ cared about everything, all the time. He had simply grown used to hiding it, and it took a special eye to see it. So Kiara did what she was pretty confident the blond boy would thank her for someday. _Hopefully_. 

Disentangled her legs from JJ’s and walked out of the room, closing the door behind her protectively. ‘’You can take the pull out couch, yeah?’’ 

Georgia had a hard time maintaining eye contact, teeth pulling at her bottom lip. Kiara couldn’t blame her, really — had she been the one left alone for a long hour while two people discussed the matter of her presence, she’d too find unfortunate to be standing in the narrow hallway unsure of her sleeping arrangements for the night, rain pouring outside. Her own son refusing to speak to her.

The blonde dropped her shoulders in discouragement. ‘’Maybe it’s best if I go, sweetheart. Don’t want to intrude on y’all, this was a bad idea—’’

‘’Stay,’’ Kiara interrupted, but Georgia seemed less than convinced. ‘’Seriously, _stay_. We’ll talk in the morning.’’

Georgia opened her mouth to speak, only slightly and hesitantly, but Kiara spoke over her again, back pressed up against the bedroom’s wooden door. ‘’Rain’s getting worse and the pull out is pretty comfy. You shouldn’t go, Georgia.’’

Joy tugged at the corners of Kiara’s lips, drawing up a timid smile in a sudden need to reassure Georgia of her overnight stay at the Chateau. A strong light coming from outside lit up the room, and a few seconds later, thunder shook the house’s core, as if even the weather wanted to prove Kiara’s point and back her up. 

‘’All right, then.’’ She finally agreed with a soft but thankful smile, allowing Kiara to lead her towards the living room again. 

It was early December, and the temperature had begun to lower in the Outer Banks, especially during the night. It was around past January when Kiara noticed that there were, without a doubt, not enough blankets in the Chateau to keep them warm — JJ wasn’t one to complain, _ever_ , about anything, but the girl could unquestionably feel his cold fingers against her skin (feet, too, as he’d tease her by pressing them against her bare back until she yelped) and make sense of his nighttime shivers. 

_'Are you going to freeze your ass off before admitting we need new blankets?'_ , she asked on a particularly cold February evening, to which he responded, mouth ajar in fake outrage, ' _I’ll let you know that my ass is perfectly nice and warm, Kiara'_. 

Also didn’t help that they didn’t cut out on their morning (or all day, if it was the weekend) surf sessions, and JJ’s wetsuit was the cheap kind, a bit too thin to reach its purpose — so, of course, Kiara had to put her mom hat on and drag the blond boy all the way to the one Walmart in Kitty Hawk. Chose a few fuzzy extra soft blankets, all in different colors, because from the times JJ had climbed her bedroom’s window those were always the kind he seemed to pick from her closet when they were settling down for a nap. 

Still, the vintage Kantha quilt in all shades of red and yellow that Kiara had given to JJ as a gift on his 18th birthday seemed to become his new favourite piece of warmth, and had been spread over the bed since the first week of November — Kiara had to practically sneak into the Chateau one morning after JJ had gone to work to wash the goddamned quilt the boy refused to let go of, make it smell like lavender laundry detergent again instead of motor oil and sea salt. 

Most of the other fuzzy blankets, then, had been packed into plastic storage boxes Kiara ordered off Amazon and kept under the pull out sofa. Strangely, the girl still remembered Georgia’s favourite colours, purple and yellow (perhaps thanks to the bracelet with purple and yellow threads JJ always had around his wrist), and chose those coloured blankets from one of the boxes even though they were under a thick pile of blue and green ones.

‘’Do you want anything? Water?'' Kiara offered as she helped the blonde woman prepare the sofa. ''We have some tea as well.''

She felt weird about it, too — because when Kie was younger, she remembered Georgia and Big John being close friends, and all of them together at the Chateau in the summer afternoons. Georgia was the one who used to offer her sparkling water with lemon wedges and sweet tea.

‘’Oh, no, I’m fine, dear.’’ Georgia smiled, and Kiara noticed against the light how her front teeth were all slightly chipped. It sent a shiver down her spine when she wondered how that happened, because JJ had a similar looking chipped canine — and that one Kiara knew was from when Luke punched the boy’s mouth until he spat blood all over the carpet.

It seemed like Georgia thought about hugging her — nearly did it on instinct, maybe, before taking a step back and mumbling a soft _t_ _hank you_ instead. 

Just like JJ, his mom had always been a hugger — that was something else Kiara never quite forgot, even after all those years. JJ was an affectionate kind of person, and since Luke Maybank decidedly _wasn’t_ , it was only to be expected that his mom had to have been. Kiara figured that was the sort of trait you acquired growing up — Anna and Mike Carrera weren’t the biggest fans of physical affection, and so neither was Kiara. 

If she stopped to think about it, Kiara could only remember seeking and accepting JJ’s touch after that stormy night, no one else’s. But if that meant something other than two friends who had learned how to grieve together, though, she wasn’t too sure. And it didn’t matter, not right then at least.

‘’Well, you probably already know where things are,’’ Kiara said, because even if she had made some touches here and there over the past few months, the Chateau still remained the Chateau — as Big John used to say, bones can never change all that much. ‘’But just come get me if you need anything. We stay in Big John’s old room.’’

That came out in such a casual, as-a-matter-of-fact way, Kiara didn’t stop to consider what Georgia would make of it. Really, Kiara was so used to assumptions being made about her and her three ( _two_ ) boys, she hadn’t batted an eye at anyone’s snarky observations or odd looks whenever she found herself eating dinner alone with John B, kissing the top of Pope’s head or locking herself in rooms with JJ since freshman year of high school. 

And if Georgia had any comments about the way Kiara muttered a soft _goodnight_ and went inside JJ’s bedroom, closing the door, she didn’t say. 

‘’Looks like it’s a big storm,’’ Kiara said, and immediately cringed with her choice of words. One of the core rules of not triggering JJ’s nightmares: _don’t mention storms_. ‘’I told her to take the pull out. Just for tonight.’’

JJ nodded, loudly slurping on the milkshake Kiara had left on the bedside table hoping it’d calm his nerves, if only a little bit. She had learned over the years that the two best things to stop JJ from having a nervous, violent breakdown were Chemdawg and The Wreck’s butter pecan milkshake — and since they had been trying to cut down smoking and stopped keeping big stashes inside cereal boxes, weed wasn’t really an option in such short notice. 

He closed his eyes shut and covered them with his free hand when Kiara tugged at the hem of her crop top and began to pull it up — she never minded all that much when the boys saw her in her underwear (as long as they didn’t get weird about it, which, in all honesty, started happening way too frequently after they turned fourteen). _Underwear and bikinis, tomato, tomato_ , she used to say. 

But JJ always, _always_ covered his eyes when they were like this, as if he’d get too afraid that she’d turn around, leave the room and go back home if he glared at her for too long. 

Part of Kiara wondered if he’d ever taken a peak, especially when she had her back turned to him and worked hard out of the overly complicated white bralette. The fact that the thought of him doing that caused a flood of warmth to rush through her was something that she had to try very hard to ignore.

‘’Hey, pass me the sweatshirt?’’ Kiara asked when her bralette hit the floor.

JJ hummed a quicky _yeah_ and tossed her the grey Pelican Marina sweatshirt he had been keeping on the bed for her to change into. It was her favorite — no matter how many cute, fashionable jumpsuits and fuzzy PJ sets her mom insisted on buying while out with her country club friends in downtown Manteo, nothing would give Kiara a better night of sleep than one of JJ’s old, worn-out, freshly-cut-grass and nicotine smelling pieces of clothing. 

The boy only allowed his baby blue eyes to open when he felt Kiara’s weight over his body, her head resting on his chest, arm thrown over his stomach and legs intertwined. 

‘’I’m sorry for bringing your mom here.’’ Kiara said apologetically, a little bit too focused on JJ’s breathing pattern and the beating of his heart.

His fingers found their way to her face, playing with the strands of wild brown hair that fell down her eyes. Placed them carefully behind her ear before saying: ‘’Stop apologizing, Kie. She ambushed you, it’s fucking wack.’’

And though Kiara knew it was at least somewhat selfish that she felt relieved JJ’s anger seemed to be fully directed at Georgia and not herself, she was way too tired to dwell on it. Besides, it was hard to think straight when JJ’s calloused fingers kept drawing circles on her shoulder, his skin still cold from holding the sugary drink. 

Kiara, in usual fashion, wanted to ask JJ what he was thinking — if he was cold and wanted her to grab another blanket from the living room, if he was planning on speaking to Georgia in the morning, if he had noticed that she used almond milk instead of whole when preparing his drink, and if he figured the stormy night would give him nightmares again. Instead, she settled for the comfortable silence that took over once JJ kissed her chastely on the forehead, like he always did when they slept like this, each day making it last a millisecond longer. 

‘’Good night,’’ he whispered, releasing her body from his warm grip. ‘’Try not to steal all the covers tonight.’’

‘’You try not to snore like a freight train, how about that?’’ 

Kiara pulled the covers, only a little bit, leaving the lower half of JJ’s leg exposed to the cold early December weather, and he let out a snore so loud all of The Cut must have heard. After he did it for the third time, with a soft _JJ, fine, you win_ , Kiara pulled the boy back under the covers and intertwined her legs with his, as if she wanted to make sure she wouldn’t lose him during the night. 

_Promise you won’t leave if things get hard again_ , she wanted to say. _Good night_ was all that came out.

• • •

JJ had a nightmare that night — it started after the fifth or sixth thunder, at around two in the morning. He hadn’t had one in over two months, after Kiara convinced him to go hiking in Buxton Woods and they ran into Luke Maybank, passed out on the trail. He smelled of hard liquor and motor oil and Kiara nearly threw up when she had to get close to the man to check his pulse — he looked dead, but as usual, was far from it.

Kiara was driving the car over to The Wreck for lunch when the panic attack started. She knew what to do — unfortunate to say, JJ had gone through his fair share of panic attacks over the last couple of years, and Kiara had been there to help him through them more often than not.

Of course she was there when lightning struck and the boy, still in a dream state, eyes closed shut and forehead dripping sweat, yelled out after John B and Sarah and all they had lost. Begged them not to go, to turn back, to do things different this time. _I’ll go and you stay_ , he screamed at one point, and Kiara’s fast beating heart shattered into a million tiny little pieces.

But she couldn’t cry, couldn’t let it get to her, couldn’t think too hard about how JJ would give his own life if it meant saving their long lost friends — because part of her figured she’d give hers too.

‘’Wake up, J,’’ she pleaded, gently shaking his shoulders. ‘’You’re having a bad dream, it’s ok, you’re all right, you’re right here.’’

The more she spoke, the more his consciousness seemed to return. His yells became quieter until coming to a sudden stop when his baby blue eyes snapped open — filled with fear and panic, relentlessly searching for a safe haven within the four beige walls. He seemed to find what he was looking for when he met Kiara’s brown eyes.

‘’It felt so— was so _fuckin’_ —’’ he struggled to collect his thoughts, body shaking in a disquiet rhythim. ‘’He talked to me Kie, told me it was all my—’’

Kiara jumped, not wanting him to finish the sentence. Let her arms shield his body from anything that could possibly hurt him, and he only took a second to respond, strong, shivering arms holding onto her waist and pulling her closer. They were so close, Kiara couldn’t tell which heartbeat was hers, body pressed into every ounce of him. 

‘’It’s never been your fault, never will be,’’ she gently rubbed his back with one hand while the other stroked his blond hair, doing whatever she could to set his foot back in the real world. ‘’You did your best, JJ. You always do your best.’’

She didn’t leave his embrace for what felt like hours — she would never, no matter how tired she was, not until his heartbeat had returned to a normal rhythm and his breathing felt even. His fingers circled her wrist when she threatened to get up.

‘’Where are you going?’’ He asked, and the uncertainty and fragility in his voice opened up a hole in Kiara’s stomach.

‘’Get us a drink,’’ she said, making sure to use _us_ instead of you, because even though she wasn’t thirsty, Kiara also knew he wouldn’t be ok if she was getting up to do something just for him. ‘’I’ll be back in a second, wait up.’’

Georgia was already awake when Kiara walked into the kitchen. Nearly had a heart attack, really — truth be told, after a couple of hours of restless sleep, Kiara had pretty much forgotten about the woman’s presence at the Chateau, and was not expecting to be met with a palm over her shoulder while her back was turned and half-asleep brain focused on the contents of the fridge.

‘’Jesus, _fuck_ —,’’ Kiara cried out, milk carton escaping from her hands and dropping onto the floor. ‘’You scared the shit out of me, Jesus fucking Christ.’’

The white liquid covered half the kitchen’s floor, and Kiara’s fuzzy socks immediately felt sticky and gross. 

‘’I’m so sorry sweetheart, I called your name a few times, guess you didn’t hear me,’’ well, she hadn’t, but _still_. Everyone in the Outer Banks knew not to sneak up on the Pogues, not after what happened. ‘’Here, let me clean this up.’’

Georgia opened the first drawer on the left and found a cloth — first try, like she had never been away from the Chateau for more than a weekend. Once they were both kneeled down scrubbing the floor, it reminded Kiara an awful lot of when she was twelve years old and got her first period while at the Chateau — she had been messing around with the Pogues in the back of the shack for a few hours before Georgia casually pulled her into the bathroom with a fresh change of clothes and a box of tampons. They too sat down on the tiled cold floor while the boys busied themselves outside, and had a few minutes of girl time that Kiara used to crave from time to time.

Everyone was upset in their own way when Georgia left, though they all kept quiet for JJ’s sake. His manner of dealing with trauma and sadness had always been denial, and Kiara often wondered whether feeding into it over the years had done more harm than good.

‘’Is he ok?’’ Georgia asked, her blue eyes not changing focus from the spill on the floor. ‘’I heard him screaming.’’

Kiara sighed — because no, he was not _really_ ok. Not all the time, at least. He could be fine if his mind focused on work and how many cars he could fix in a week, or on waves and whether he could spend a whole morning chasing 8 foot waves without getting wiped out, or on _Kie_ — because other than the time they spent separately at work, they were always together, and she did a pretty good job at getting JJ to focus on things other than storms and sinking boats and the man who had brought him into the world. 

That felt like too much to say, though. How could she explain so many years of pain and trauma with a few short sentences? 

‘’He will be,’’ Kiara settled on saying, because she truly hoped he would. One day, somehow, the remaining Pogues would have to be ok. ‘’I’m just going to make him some green tea, that’ll send him right back to sleep.’’

JJ absolutely hated green tea, but would suck it up whenever Kiara added some milk, sugar and honey — which to her was a revolting combination all around, but at least it was better than the few ( _too many_ ) beers the boy used to have before bed. 

And when Georgia started helping her, it all felt synchronized — she didn’t know where Kiara kept the tea bags, but she did know where the mugs, the honey and the sugar were. It was kind of impressive, really. Kiara spent most of the week at the Chateau, but wouldn’t go more than two weeks without stopping by at the Carrera’s household on the other side of the island — so, not that long at all, and she would still find herself forgetting in which kitchen drawer her father kept the barbecue knife set and if her mother had started putting the spare key under the mat or by the main entrance’s bushes. 

‘’It’s good that you two have each other,’’ Georgia whispered, popping the tea bags into the two mugs (white ceramic ones with vintage northern Outer Banks maps that Kiara had bought at a gift shop with Sarah years back). ‘’I did always have a feeling y’all would get together at some point, ever since he was a cute little scrawny kid and you had those orange braces, remember that?’’

Kiara’s brown eyes got wider and she let out an uncomfortable, nervous laugh that felt overly fabricated. 

‘’Oh, we’re not—,’’ Kiara’s voice sounded way too shaky and stuttery for her own liking, so she took a second to ease her breathing and steady herself. ‘’We’re not together or anything, we’re just friends.’’

When Georgia’s gaze flickered to the Pelican Marina sweatshirt Kiara wore (one that undeniably belonged to JJ, considering how the long sleeves ended on the tips of the girl’s fingers and how it didn’t smell of Kiara’s typical lavender, amber and sandalwood perfume), she felt the need to add ‘’We’re best friends.’’

It wasn’t a lie. They _were_ friends — they were best friends, of course, especially considering how Pope had busied himself with school over the past few months. 

‘’ _Really_?’’ Georgia glanced at the brown-haired girl in surprise, and the shock and confusion in her voice was so evident Kiara couldn’t help but feel a flicker of doubt creep up her chest, some redness definitely coloring the back of her neck. ‘’I shouldn’t have assumed.’’

Kiara could tell the woman was about to send herself down another apology spiral, so decided to step in. ‘’It’s fine, don’t worry. You’re not the first one to think that, believe me.’’

Hell, Anna Carrera still sneaked condoms into the pockets of Kiara’s backpack whenever she was off for another week of spending the nights at the Chateau, and JJ’s boss (a nice man with a full white beard named Olly) gifted them a fondue for two set last Christmas. The first week of February, even Pope’s mom innocently asked JJ and Kiara what they were planning on doing for Valentine’s Day. ' _We’re not together, Mrs. Heyward'_ , JJ told her then. ' _We’re best friends'_ , Kiara added.

Those things wouldn’t usually mean much to Kiara (after all, people used to assume she was with John B or Pope just the same), but there was something bewildering about the way JJ’s mom seemed to point out a relationship between them would be expected. Sure, JJ was a natural flirt even as a kid, and yes, Kiara wasn’t totally oblivious to how JJ looked with a surfboard under his arm and his long hair flipped back (especially all those years ago, before she got used to the sight), but did Georgia know something she didn’t?

‘’I guess we’re kind of roommates,’’ Kiara felt the need to add. _Roommates who sleep in the same bed_ , her inner voice screamed. _Bedmates?_ ‘’Or something like that.’’

Georgia added a spoonful of sugar to JJ’s tea, just the way he always had it. ‘’And your folks are fine with you staying here?’’

Could Mike and Anna Carrera ever be _fine_ with their only daughter spending all her time with Luke Maybank’s kid? Definitely not, and Kiara assumed matters were only made worse by how after all the Sarah and John B rumours died down, she was the one to suddenly become the talk of the Figure 8, and she could only imagine how many country club ladies had approached her mom to ask her why she was, in her right mind, allowing Kiara to _play house_ (per her mother’s words) with JJ Maybank at a little fishing shack on The Cut.

Answer was simple: though Anna loved her reputation and all things nice and perfect and Mike, as once a boy from The Cut himself, hated all boys from The Cut, they both loved their daughter more, and hated the nightmares and anxiety attacks that creeped up whenever she was alone more. 

Kiara bit the inside of her cheek, still unsure of how to act with Georgia around, and how much about their lives and the past few years she should talk about without having JJ’s approval first. Knowing JJ, the fact that Georgia had witnessed one of his nighttime anxiety episodes would already be too much of an invasion of privacy — no one knew about them, except for Pope and Kiara (and Mr. and Mrs. Heyward too, Kiara suspected, because Pope had a big heart but an even bigger mouth). 

‘’Fine is not the word I’d choose,’’ Georgia raised a brow, and Kiara chuckled. ‘’Well, you’ve met my parents. But they haven’t called the police or barged in here to physically drag me back to their place, so I call that a win.’’

They might change their minds if they ever saw her coming out of Big John’s old room at two in the morning wearing nothing but one of JJ’s sweatshirts, but that didn’t seem like something she should mention. Though Kiara was eighteen years old (and therefore, legally an _adult_ and all that), she strangely still felt thirteen when Georgia glanced at her with those big blue eyes. 

She wondered if JJ felt the same — if when his mother walked through the front door of the Chateau unannounced, he could feel his body shrinking half a foot, the braces painful against his gums and the disappearance of the muscles in his upper arms and in his abdomen. If Kiara had to guess, she’d say yes — perhaps part of JJ had never stopped being that thirteen year old boy, forever waiting for his mom’s return.

‘’What are you doing here?’’ His voice sounded atypically rough and tremulous, but still so undeniably JJ. 

Kiara didn’t notice when he had walked into the kitchen, and cursed for being startled once again. Georgia, though, only thrummed her fingers against the ceramic mug — there was a calm demeanor about her, even in the face of a clearly distressed JJ, arms crossed forming a protective barrier and lips pressed tight trying hard to hold something back. 

‘’I asked what the fuck are you doing here.’’ His voice was loud this time, and echoed through the small shack.

‘’JJ—’’ Kiara pleaded, but to no avail. 

He took a step forward, and even with the only source of light coming from the porch, Kiara could tell his face was scrunched up and a vein in his neck was bulging. 

‘’No, seriously. You think you can just— you can just fucking—,’’ JJ struggled to make sense of his words, and Kiara let go of the mug in her hand to let it rest on his chest in an attempt to calm him down. ‘’You think you can just come back after all this time, like you didn’t fuckin’ abandon me.’’

His heart beat fast against Kiara’s palm, and she could tell tears threatened to escape his blue eyes once again. JJ was doing his best to hold them back, and in that moment, when his bottom lip quivered and his voice broke, Kiara wanted nothing more than to hold him tight and never let go.

‘’Sweetheart, not a single day went by that I didn’t think about you.’’ 

‘’Yeah, well, I haven’t thought about you in years,’’ he lied, Kiara knew so — but she also knew better than to correct him. ‘’I was a little busy getting knocked around like a human punching bag, _because you left me with a fucking maniac_.’’

Georgia took a step forward, but that was the wrong thing to do. JJ seemed like he was ready to run away any second — Kiara had seen him do it plenty of times before over the years, and the prospect of it happening once again struck terror into Kiara’s body, a coldness traveling up her spine and stiffening her neck. 

‘’He wasn’t as bad with you.’’ _As he was with me_ was unsaid, yet still clear as day. Mother and son shared some of the same painful marks, and Kiara’s heart bled for them. Her heart had always bled for JJ.

He scoffed, struggling to swallow down an uncomfortable lump in his throat. ‘’That’s bullshit, that’s a shit excuse.’’

‘’J—’’ Kiara attempted to softly lead him away from the kitchen, but the boy didn’t bulge. Held on to her wrist and removed it from his own chest, breaking all physical contact between the two. 

Kiara figured he might just be scared she’d be able to feel his heart shatter.

‘’I was a kid, Georgia,’’ the woman flinched by the use of her given name. ‘’You could’ve taken me with you. Why didn’t you fuckin’ take me with you?’’

And although they rarely ever mentioned JJ’s mom (only once a year, on the 23rd of June, her birthday), Kiara knew that had to be the question that was floating around JJ’s head on and off for the past six years — mostly because it was what she and the other Pogues wondered themselves. ' _Maybe she just didn’t like being a mom'_ , John B suggested once, and Kiara made him promise he would never let JJ hear him say that, ever.

Georgia took a deep breath, and then another, and another. A cold tension filled the air, so much that Kiara felt as if she could choke on it.

‘’You had your friends, you had school, you had your summer job. Remember how much you wanted to be a lifeguard?’’ Georgia’s voice was so small, Kiara feared she might be swallowed into the ground any second. ‘’And I was scared, sweetheart. I knew he would send people looking for me if I had taken you too.’’

JJ’s jaw clenched, the throbbing veins in his neck even more apparent. ‘’Fuck you.’’

‘’I’ve regretted it ever since then.’’ She cried out, but was met with a chorus of _no, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you_ , again and again until JJ’s throat dried out and his voice broke. 

Kiara placed her body in between the two, doing her best to shield JJ from the brutal reality he was being presented with. She knew he had, for a long time, hoped for something quite different — that perhaps Georgia had been forced to leave (which, in some ways, she was), or maybe that she always had a bigger plan, something that included him. 

Kiara only realised she was crying when she felt the tears running down her cheeks, same as JJ, and though she had her back turned to Georgia, she assumed there were three people with tear filled eyes in that kitchen. 

‘’J, please, let’s go to bed.’’ Kiara fidgeted, and her palms were clammy when they found their way back to JJ’s chest.

He didn’t refuse her contact then, but his bloodshot eyes didn’t meet hers — they were fixated on a background figure Kiara knew to be Georgia when he said: ‘’I’m eighteen. All I need is some food and beers in the fridge, waves to surf, a roof over my head, my friends and Kie. I sure as hell don’t fuckin’ need you.’’

And when he turned around and walked back into the room, he left the door ajar to allow Kiara’s entry. She felt like she should say something to Georgia (though exactly what, she wasn’t sure), but couldn’t — her heart begged for JJ, and she only found comfort in taking a protective stance behind him on the bed as he leaned his back against her and weeped. 

• • •

  
  


Georgia was gone by the time sunlight creeped through the window. 

Although JJ didn’t have to go in for work that day, he was still up bright and early like usual to grab Kiara’s favourite pastries from the only decent bakery on The Cut. She was sitting on the pull out, a somber expression on her face, when JJ walked back into the Chateau with a warm paper bag.

‘’She left.’’ Kiara announced, twisting messy brown curls around her fingers. 

JJ placed the bag on the living room table and threw his body next to Kie’s on the pull out with a yawn. ‘’Figured.’’

‘’What?’’

‘’Figured she would leave, I mean,’’ he chewed on the skin around his fingernails, a nervous tic that proved he wasn’t as nonchalant as he was trying to present himself to be. ‘’If you hadn’t noticed, it’s kind of her move.’’

And it’s not that Kiara wanted to defend Georgia’s actions, per se (if anything, her loyalty would lie with JJ _always_ , even when she didn’t agree with him), but she did read once that the failure to move on from traumatic events came also from lack of closure. If he was unable to get some closure from John B and Sarah (' _no body means no death'_ , JJ had said on more than one occasion), perhaps getting it from Georgia could be a step in the right direction?

Kiara got up and walked towards the kitchen, where she knew a small piece of paper had been left under a mug. 

‘’I’m happy she’s gone.’’ He said taking a huge bite out of a croissant, and Kiara wasn’t too sure whether he wanted to convince her or himself.

‘’Well, that’s good, I guess. But she did leave a note.’’ Kiara did her best to declare nonchalantly, not wanting to force it on him or make it seem as if he was obligated to read it.

He grew fidgety almost immediately, hand running through his blond hair until it stood spiked up in every direction. 

‘’What does it say?’’ He stammered, letting out a loud and awkward cough in an attempt to cover it up.

Kiara exchanged the half eaten croissant in JJ’s hands for the note in hers. ‘’No clue, I didn’t read it.’’

‘’Oh.’’ 

‘’It does have your name on it, so I didn’t want to pry.’’ 

‘’Does that mean I have to read it?’’

‘’Well, no,’’ Kiara took a bite out of the puff pastry, a bit too soft for her liking, and swallowed hard. ‘’Only if you want to, I suppose.’’

‘’Oh.’’

Kiara knew that that could go either way — a big part of JJ undoubtedly yearned to rip that piece of paper into a million tiny little pieces and set the remnants on fire with his lucky metal lighter, but then there was that _other part of_ JJ, the side he mostly kept hidden and locked away and only sometimes made a quick appearance. The side of him that missed his mom and hoped she’d embrace him and call him _her boy_ again.

It was about forty-five minutes into her double shift when Kiara started to regret not having read the note before giving it to JJ. Sure, she didn’t want to invade his privacy (they were already in each other’s hair enough as it was), but what if he got rid of the note and Georgia had revealed she had terminal cancer and only a few more days to live? Or what if he _didn’t_ get rid of the note, and whatever was on it sent him spiralling down again?

‘’Georgia, really?’’ Mike Carrera seemed as shocked by the news as his own daughter, and overfilled a customer's glass with water as Kiara spoke. 

‘’Yep. It was kind of a shitshow, you know how JJ can be with surprises.’’

‘’And this isn’t just any surprise either, is it?,’’ Mike asked knowingly, marching around the restaurant picking up plates and giving out menus. ‘’She could have called first. But from what I remember about her, showing up unannounced after all these years is very much a Georgia thing to do.’’

The Carreras, for obvious reasons, had never been too close to the little group of parents made of Big John, Georgia and the Heywards, but they were sometimes forced to mingle on birthdays and other special occasions. They did like Pope’s parents, and they didn’t exactly hate Big John though he was more of an acquired taste, but Kiara still remembered Anna whispering to Mike that Georgia Maybank seemed, per her exact words, _as strange and unstable as a Maybank gets_. 

Kiara caught her dad staring at her after she had her phone out for more than a few minutes, customers waiting for refills. ‘’ _I know_ , I know. I’m just worried about him.’’

‘’Sometimes, with JJ, it’s like all you do is worry.’’ 

And it seemed like too much of an accusation for her liking, her body immediately tensing up. ‘’What happened with ‘ _Kiara, I only worry because I love you?_ ’, because well, I love him, so of course I’m going to worry.’’

Mike stopped in his tracks juggling two sodas and a plate of appetizers — they were out of the tourist season, which meant the Carrera man had spent the last couple of weeks distributing coupons and advertising a whole bunch of family promotions all over town. The Wreck was packed with locals, and with a recent shortage of employees (two waiters had quit and a hostess was sick with the flu), Mike and Kiara had been having a hard time managing taking orders, serving and cleaning tables nearly by themselves. 

Kiara lifted an eyebrow, still not having quite processed what she had blurted out herself. ‘’What?’’

The look he gave her could only be described as a death glare. 

‘’You said you love him.’’ It was more than an affirmation. A dissatisfied accusation, really. Definitely not a question — he knew what he had heard.

Kiara stuttered — for a full second, then two, and then three. When she was sure she had made matters even more awkward than they had to be, she blurted out the first unclouded thought that reached her mind. 

‘’He’s my friend. I love all of my friends,’’ Mike narrowed his brown eyes, everything but convinced. ‘’He’s my _best_ friend. So I love him the most. And I worry the most.’’

And who Kiara hoped would believe that, no _buts_ , she wasn’t entirely too sure. 

• • •

  
  


When she walked inside the Chateau later that day, after the sun had set and the cool breeze from the cold night air had turned her hair into a mess of braids and loose curls, Kiara was met with what in her mind was the least probable outcome to the note left behind under a coffee mug that morning: JJ and Georgia Maybank, together in the kitchen, watching over an ensemble of pans on the stove. Smiling. _Laughing_.

JJ took a minute to notice her standing by the pull out, slightly muddy shoes still on and keys in hand. ‘’Kie, hey! You’re home early.’’ She always loved how he sounded like an overexcited puppy whenever she walked through the door. 

‘’I am— I guess, yeah. It was slow today, so my dad let me off early,’’ Mike had actually let her off an hour early because her being distracted meant she kept dropping plates, messing up orders and serving regular soda instead of diet. ‘’Is everything ok?’’

Georgia smiled brightly, her blonde hair pulled up in a ponytail allowing for Kiara to see just how similar the woman was to her son, from the diamond cheekbones to the deep dimples. 

‘’Everything’s fine, except now the surprise is ruined,’’ Georgia pouted, waving a hand in the air. ‘’We were making your favorite.’’

Kiara could tell by the smell coming from the kitchen — shrimp fried rice with a whole lot of green onions and soy sauce. JJ had tried to cook her the dish a few times over the years, especially in the past few months, but always messed up and either burned the shrimp, the eggs or the rice (all three of them one time, when the fire department had to be called). 

‘’Really, J?’’ Kiara teased, already feeling her body become less tense. ‘’I thought we had agreed _no more cooking while I’m out_ , after what happened last time.’’ 

JJ turned around and sent a smirk her way. He looked sweet, Kiara thought, which was a word she very rarely used to describe JJ — but right then, with his a-little-too-long blond hair drooped around his eyes and wearing Kiara’s turtle patterned, seaweed green apron, he just did. 

‘’Have a little faith, baby,’’ the pet name rolled off his tongue. He had used it once or twice before, but Kiara felt her cheeks blushing scarlet from Georgia’s shit eating grin alone. ‘’Nothing’s burned yet, right, Georgia?’’

If the woman was bothered or saddened by the use of her name by her son, she didn’t show. ‘’Right. I’ve been keeping a close eye on him and that pan, don’t you worry.’’

It was weird — _good_ weird, but weird nonetheless. Kiara wouldn’t say JJ looked perfectly relaxed and at ease in such close proximity to his mother, but at least it didn’t seem as if he’d have an outburst of anger and distress any second. Not that she’d blame JJ if he did.

When she locked herself in the bathroom for a quick shower to rinse off the grease from being too close to the frier all day long, she made sure to keep her ears open for a shouting match. It never came.

As she changed into an oversized JJ shirt that he had left on the bed for her, she actually heard another laugh. Kiara knew it belonged to her blond best friend, and though it sounded more like an unusually controlled and superficial giggle than anything, it made her think that perhaps that was it. Maybe, _just maybe_ , Georgia’s return would be the thing to keep JJ afloat in the long run, after Kiara had struggled so much to save him from drowning. 

‘’If it tastes good, it was all me,’’ JJ pulled the chair for Kiara with a mischievous grin. ‘’And if it tastes bad, it’s Georgia’s fault.’’

Georgia chuckled wholeheartedly, setting the mismatched plates on the wooden table. It wasn’t as cold that night as the other early December days had been, and the sky made no mention of allowing any more rain to drop — it was nice, simple as that. 

‘’So—,’’ JJ hummed as soon as the fork met Kiara’s mouth. ‘’What’s the verdict?’’

She smiled with the use of that word. They had been watching a bit too much _Law & Order _ over the past few weeks, so she’d sometimes catch him saying things like _advocate_ , _annulment_ and _First Amendment this_ , _First Amendment that_. 

Kiara raised her fork up in the air and took her time chewing, JJ eyeing her in anticipation. It had a bit too much egg, which messed with the texture, and the excessive garlic was sure to leave an aftertaste, but it was a great effort — the flavors were all there and he actually used the right type of rice this time around, and did fry it to perfection.

‘’ _Mmm_ ,’’ she voiced with a little too much enthusiasm, eyes closed tight shut, just the way she did when her dad made creamy lobster bisque at The Wreck. ‘’You did it, J. Better than the one from China Town.’’

Kiara was overplaying things, which is something she usually held back on doing, but the smile that lit up JJ’s face made it worth it. She could tell he felt giddy with excitement, baby blues wide and shoulders vibrating as if he was plugged into the mains.

‘’For real?’’ He babbled, wearing the facial expression of a young boy on Christmas day. 

Kiara giggled — she used to love how easy it was to leave JJ thrilled when they were younger. It hadn’t been that easy ever since John B disappeared. ‘’Yeah, dude. For real.’’

‘’Fuckin’ hell,’’ he yelled out, a big, bright smile still plastered on his face. Georgia always loathed the use of cuss words — called them _profanities_ , Kiara recalled. But then, she only cringed in silence, undoubtedly knowing correcting an 18 year old JJ was no longer her place. ‘’I should’ve tried harder months ago, huh? Would have saved us a fuckin’ load of money on take out.’’

Considering Kiara could barely contain her curiosity over what had taken place between the mother and son duo while she was out working at The Wreck, and plenty of times had to fight the urge to pull JJ into the bathroom, stare right into his eyes and make sure the reason why he seemed so calm and collected wasn’t because he was high as a kite, the dinner was a quite pleasant one. 

JJ kept on babbling excitedly about the engine replacement he had been working on for the past week, and how it should be done soon and guarantee him a big fat bonus by the end of the month. He also made sure to ask her about that annoying customer who had been going to The Wreck only for the free wifi, and for some weird reason it warmed her heart that he did so — because she had only mentioned it once over breakfast, and she wasn’t too sure if he had payed attention. But of course he did. 

Georgia also told them a few stories about the places she had been at over the years. West Lafayette first, and then Roanoke for a few months, because she had some childhood friends in Virginia. Also spent a year in Louisville, but per her words, _couldn’t get used to big city living_. She was in Salem, Ohio, last — and it took the longest time for JJ to understand she did not mean Salem, Massachusetts, and that no, she had most definitely not met a witch or learned any spells while over there.

Only a few hours later, after they had settled down for a good night of sleep (Georgia on the pull out, JJ and Kiara on the bed that perhaps belonged to JJ more than it had ever belonged to Big John), did Kiara muster the courage to question him about the note.

He thrummed his fingers against the nape of Kiara’s neck, her soft skin warm from his touch alone. The motion felt rather more affectionate than nervous, and the brown haired girl wondered whether she might be imagining things — JJ had always been what they called a touchy-feely kind of person, and that made it easy to cross a line sometimes. The friendship, more-than-friendship line, that is — the one that Kiara had toyed with over the years.

‘’She sent me cards, apparently,’’ was the first thing he admitted, after a few seconds of silence. ‘’Like, birthday cards, Christmas cards and all that shit. I never saw them though, my dad must’ve gotten rid of them.’’

Kiara found herself nuzzled into his neck, brushing her fingers softly against his bare chest. Somehow, that position they’d more often than not establish between themselves during the night felt way more intimate than anything else they could possibly do.

‘’You know when you made me see that therapist, and I went like, three times?’’ Kiara hummed in response — of course she remembered. It took weeks to convince him to go, and then he went ahead and dipped before the one month mark. She still planned on helping him get back to it, but figured it should be more of his choice, this time around. ‘’She told me I was angry. And I know she was right, because I got real fuckin’ angry at her for saying I was angry.’’

He ruffled his already messy hair, and it seemed more like an attempt to gather up the courage to continue talking. He only did when her brown eyes found his baby blues in the dimly lit room.

‘’I think I’m tired of being angry, Kie,’’ his breathing was laboured, and Kiara could feel the unsteady drum of his heart against her cheek. ‘’My dad always was— _is_ still, probably. And I’ll be damned if I’m ever like him, even just a little bit.’’

Kiara let her fingers continue to trace softly over his skin, hoping that it would somehow reassure him of something she knew deep in her heart, as undoubtedly as the blue color of his eyes: ‘’You’re nothing like him. You could never be anything like him.’’

JJ sighed as if he had been holding his breath since Kiara lied on his chest. _You can breathe, JJ_ , she had been trying to tell him ever since that storm came and washed everything away. 

‘’Did you forgive her?’’ Kiara asked casually, already knowing the answer. 

‘’No. I mean—,’’ he whispered, head tilted back deep in thought. ‘’I don’t know if I ever can, you know? Not fully, at least. But I guess a big part of me understands why she did it, and maybe that’s enough.’’

And because it seemed more like a question than an affirmation, Kiara whispered back ‘’Yeah. I think it is.’’

‘’Plus, I smoked a shit ton of sativa this morning,’’ his mouth curved into a smile, and Kiara let out a throaty laugh. ‘’I’ll probably not get upset with anything for, like, two days.’’

She loved his laugh — it was loud and genuine and unapologetic. She also often wondered whether he felt the same about hers.

• • •

  
  


From her late childhood and early teenage years, Kiara had always recalled Georgia Maybank being _cool_ — and she figured more often than not, the things and the people you think are cool when you’re eleven are probably not actually that cool by the time you’ve hit adulthood. 

Well, eighteen year old Kiara still thought Georgia Maybank was pretty damn cool. 

She was a good surfer, definitely way better than all the other moms her age in the Outer Banks, and Kiara appreciated having someone else to scold JJ whenever he went for a wave too close to the rocks. When they stopped for snacks, Georgia always had in her bag a whole selection of chips for them to choose from (even though Kiara always chose Flamin’ Hot Cheetos, and JJ the barbecue flavoured Lay’s). 

On a certain Saturday afternoon, when JJ traced _J+K_ in the sand with a branch and threw the girl over his shoulder to carry her back to the van before rain started pouring down, Georgia took a picture with the disposable camera she had just gotten at a gift shop by the Pier. They had it up on the fridge at the Chateau the following Monday, right by Kiara’s grocery shopping list and JJ’s drawing of a great white shark he swore he had seen once while off surfing in Cape Hatteras. 

Georgia was, among many other things, an artist. In fact, she was the one who gave Kiara her first set of neon acrylic paint on her 10th birthday along with a blue and yellow card that said _‘Art is to console those who are broken by life’_. For a couple of years Kiara actually thought the quote belonged to Georgia, only figuring out the truth when she saw the words and The Starry Night printed on a tote bag.

But still, Van Gogh quotes aside, Georgia was a damn good artist. Every morning she’d go out to the porch with a blank canvas and a glass of red wine — she could paint for _hours_ without as much as shifting positions, and Kiara was fairly amazed by it. JJ was as well, she figured, because sometimes they’d both sit out on the porch too and pretend to busy themselves with something just to watch the paintbrush’s swift movements against the white surface.

It did feel weird sometimes, like whenever she’d go all mama bear on them for smoking a blunt and JJ would mutter under his breath ‘ _Don’t act like you’re my fuckin’ mom_ ’, just because he knew it would sting, or how she kept on leaving condoms in their nightstand’s drawer even though JJ and Kiara were definitely ( _probably_ ) not together.

Well, it was complicated — or Kiara thought so, at least. Because one second JJ would call her _baby_ and wrap his arms around her waist while she brushed her teeth, and then others he’d say ' _Kie, dude, your hair smells like shrimp'_ and try to talk her into a burping contest.

It could be really damn confusing, ok? Especially since Kiara wasn’t too sure about what she was feeling herself, other than the fact that JJ looked fucking good with blond hair falling forward onto his face and that she kind of wanted to run her fingers through it and also find out _whathislipstastedlike_. Not that she’d ever admit that, of course. 

So, Kiara went on a date. He was a tall guy from the mainland with light brown hair always pulled back and a bright, warm smile she figured most girls just had to like — plus, he kept on asking her out every time he stopped at The Wreck for fries and she got tired of saying no, because, well, he _was_ cute, and seemed nice enough, and she also hadn’t gotten any real action since before The Phantom was taken by the storm. She was only human.

Only problems were: he liked to skate, but not to surf. He had a golden cross chain hanging from his neck, and not a shark tooth in sight. His hair was not a bit too messy, or a bit too long, perfectly fitting for his ironed clothes with no stains on holes in them. And his name was Miles, not JJ. 

Kiara thanked him for dinner, but made sure he knew she wouldn’t be calling him back.

‘’How was the date?’’ JJ rocked back on his heels as if he wanted to escape as soon as Kiara walked inside the Chateau.

He also could not hide his relieved smile when Kiara said ‘’It was fine, but I don’t think I’ll be seeing him again.’’

‘’Really?’’ He babbled, almost immediately clearing his throat to cover up the excitement in his voice. ‘’Why, was he a dick or something? Do I need to kick his ass?’’

Kiara scrunched up her face at the question, though some comfortable warmth creeped up her chest. The boy seemed to be aimlessly pacing around the living room, and only allowed himself to settle into one spot when Kiara cornered him between the wall and the couch, hands on her hips and narrowed brown eyes.

‘’If he needed to get his ass kicked, I would’ve been the one doing the kicking.’’

JJ held his hands up, an irritatingly smug smirk painting his lips. ‘’Oh, I know. I’m just saying I’d totally be your accomplice.’’

Kiara giggled, her hands leaving her own hips and finding their way to his shoulders playfully. ‘’You punch and I kick?’’

‘’I like the way you think, baby.’’

And there it was again — that damn sweet talker and the way he’d call her baby so casually like the pet name belonged to her and to her only. Kiara had no doubt it was pathetic how big of a part of her hoped JJ would never call another girl baby again.

Her gaze undoubtedly lingered on his lips for a moment ( _or two_ ) too long, because his lighthearted smirk turned into a nervous half-smile, bottom lip trembling and all, and the mood shift was so sudden Kiara couldn’t have possibly braced herself for it. 

She wouldn’t kiss him — wouldn’t make the first move at least, she told herself. He was her best friend. With Pope away, he was also her only friend left. So even though it would be so easy to close the space between them, pull his body against hers and take him full on his lips, she wouldn’t. Hell, she couldn’t.

So it was a good thing that JJ took the leap.

It was slow, and soft, and kind — all things she didn’t expect from kissing JJ Maybank. He tasted like the vegan lip balm she had given him the first week of winter because she knew how easily his lips would get chapped when it was cold, and also the beer she was sure he had been drinking for all the two hours she was gone. It felt like in eureka moment to her, like _fucking finally, I know what it feels like to have his lips against mine_.

If any part of her ever believed her desire to kiss him came from pure curiosity, it died right then and there. She wasn’t curious anymore — she knew his tongue felt warm and sweet as it swept between her lips, and that it didn’t hurt when his fingers dug deep into her waist. And yet, she still wanted more — not just to see if all the girls who whispered about JJ were right, not just for the thirteen year old Kiara who absentmindedly wrote _Kiara Maybank_ on her journal (only to erase it so hard as soon as she came to it, the paper ripped in half), but because it felt like finding the last piece of a puzzle, like finally coming home after being away for so long.

For the first time in a really long time, Kiara found every bit and inch of her complete.

Until he pulled away, and the hole that came to be in her heart threatened to swallow her whole.

‘’Fuck,’’ JJ mumbled, hand tugging at his blond hair anxiously. ‘’Shit, I’m sorry, Kie. I shouldn’t have done that, that was fuckin’ stupid.’’

_No, it wasn't. I wanted you to do it. I want you to do it again and again until my lips are bleeding and the skin on my hips is aching._

‘’Dude, it’s fine,’’ was all she mustered the courage to say, but JJ didn’t seem too convinced. He was chewing on his bottom lip and struggling to make eye contact with her, staring down at his feet instead. Fuck, was he mad at her? ‘’JJ, hey, seriously.’’

Kiara used her curled index finger to lift his chin and force him to meet her gaze. There was a speck of something in them, but she couldn’t quite tell what — embarrassment? doubt? _regret?_ Fuck, an embarassingly big part of her hoped it wasn’t regret.

‘’I broke the rules, huh?’’ JJ chuckled, but it felt a bit too orchestrated. That and the restless nail picking were more than enough to give away the fact that he wasn’t as casual about what just happened as he hoped to present himself to be. 

Really, Kiara could not even remember where that stupid rule had come from in the first place. ‘’No one ever took them seriously, anyway.’’

‘’I did,’’ he leaned forward and Kiara found her lips instinctively parting slightly as soon as she felt his warm breath on her face. ‘’It’s kind of the only reason why I never kissed you before.’’

And that felt like a moment where Kiara should say something smart — something that they would continue to remember years from then, something that would change their friendship as they knew it. She wanted to bring the matters of the universe into her own hands and sow the seeds of that one moment you see in every film and every novel, the moment that goes _this is where the old us ends, and this is where the new us begins_.

But instead, she just mumbled ‘ _oh_ ’, and JJ was soon finding his way back into his ( _their_ ) room for the night. 

Kiara would have usually followed him and settled in bed next to his warm body, but instead, stood dumbfounded in that awkward, tiny space between the kitchen and the living room. Her hand instinctively found its way to her lips — the ones that were red and somewhat swollen, the ones that felt him, tasted him, _had_ him, if only for a moment.

It must have been a strange sight for Georgia to walk into, breathing heavily from what was certainly a long walk after spending the afternoon with some old friends from high school in Bodie Island. 

‘’Is everything all right, sweetheart?’’ Georgia asked, dropping the shopping bags she had hanging from her arms on the floor. ‘’You’re looking a little flushed.’’

Kiara blinked once, twice, three times, as if trying to bring her brain back into the real world. She could only hum in acknowledgment of Georgia’s question, not trusting her voice enough to not break if she attempted to mutter a full sentence.

‘’Oh, I see,’’ strands of messy blonde hair fell down her face, and it was so similar to JJ that Kiara’s brain couldn’t focus on anything other than _JJ, JJ, JJ_ … ‘’I take it the date went well, then?’’

 _Date? Oh, yeah, the date_. Perhaps it had been such an unimpressive evening after all that Kiara had forgotten all about it in the matter of minutes. Or it might have been the doing of one blond boy who pulled her close and captured her mouth in his. 

Yeah, could’ve definitely been one or the other.

‘’He was boring, if I’m being honest. I mean, he was fine, but— Well, he didn’t even know who Duke Kahanamoku was when I mentioned him. Plus, I caught him leaving a bubble gum wrapper on a bench just because there weren’t any trash cans close by.’’ 

Georgia nodded, but there was a speck of something in her eyes that Kiara couldn’t quite put her finger on — _relief_ , almost? Over what though, she wasn’t too sure. 

‘’JJ used to have Duke’s posters all over the walls in his bedroom when he was little.’’

Kiara nodded. ‘’Yeah, I remember.’’

She had only been to JJ’s childhood room once before, for his last birthday party before Georgia left. There was a giant, colorful poster right above his bed — it was wrinkled all around and ripped at the corners, but a young Kiara was mesmerized by the tall figure in orange boardshorts, black curly hair slipped back and effortlessly standing on a yellow surfboard. 

_‘Who’s that?'_ , Kiara had asked, pointing at the giant poster. She could never forget the bright smile on JJ’s face, the kind of _hey, I know something you don’t_ smile that only JJ could make not seem smug when he said ‘ _Duke Kahanamoku, literally the father of modern surfing. He’s a god, Kie. A god_.’

‘’And JJ puts candy wrappers in his pockets to throw away later.’’

He didn’t always — eleven year old JJ couldn’t care less about waste management and protecting the environment, as was to be expected. He was a fast learner, though, when it came to doing things that made Kiara happy.

‘’Only because he knows I’ll tell him off if he doesn’t.’’ She said, only half-believing her own words.

‘’Well, maybe,’’ Georgia collapsed onto an armchair, sighing in relief as soon as she removed the heels from her feet. ‘’But he does it when you’re not around too. I’ve seen it with my own two eyes. So I guess he knows it’s important to you.’’

Kiara found herself chewing on her bottom lip, holding back a grin. ‘’Yeah, he always does.’’

He didn’t ask for plastic straws on diners or utensils with his take-out, and learned how to use recycling bins and how to compost even though he thought it was kind of gross. He also spent the night on the beach with Kiara when they were fourteen to protect a turtle nesting site — he justified it saying it was so he could catch the earliest waves right before sunrise, but he hadn’t even brought his board. 

They weren’t JJ things to do per se, but they felt like things JJ did because he knew they mattered to Kiara. And that brought such a tender and unfamiliar warmth to Kiara’s chest she feared her ribcage might crack and her lungs burst.

‘’Then it’s probably good that that date didn’t work out, huh?’’ Georgia seemed quite content with the sudden realization that washed over Kiara’s face. She didn’t need an answer. 

That same night, after Kiara had snuggled up in bed next to JJ, her head on his chest ( _where it belonged_ ), she mumbled softly ‘’JJ?’’

He hummed only so she’d know he was listening, his eyes closed shut as he got closer and closer to drifting off to sleep.

‘’What happened to that Duke Kahanamoku poster?’’, a crease formed between his eyebrows. ‘’The big one you had above your bed when we were kids.’’

‘’Oh, yeah. Fuck, I loved that stupid poster,’’ he tilted his head to the right, baby blues fluttering open to meet Kiara’s tired eyes. ‘’My dad ripped it and threw it away when I was, like, thirteen or fourteen I think.’’

And there was a casualness in his voice that broke Kiara’s heart in half. She held him tighter than ever before that night, and whispered sweet nothings in his ear after he fell into a deep sleep. 

• • •

  
  


Christmas was fast approaching. It was the third one without Sarah and John B — the first one they all had spent together at the Heyward’s, and the second one at the Carrera’s. It only felt fitting for JJ and Kiara to host their own little version of Christmas at the Chateau that year, even if it took Kiara’s mom some convincing.

Read: Anna Carrera only agreed to it because Kiara promised she’d let her help with the decorations. And the food. And everything else. JJ wasn’t too excited about Anna bossing him around in the kitchen all day, but pinky swore he’d act nice — just like Anna swore (though no pinky was involved) that she wouldn’t be awkward around the still newly welcomed Georgia Maybank.

‘’Don’t freak out. We’ll be fine, you’ll see.’’ Kiara failed at calming JJ down as she opened the front door to her parents. 

Anna turned her nose up and scrunched it as if there was a putrid smell hanging in the air as soon as her gaze met the tall cactus by the pull out taking the role of a Christmas tree. Well, Kiara had been a bit too busy making sure they had enough potatoes, cranberries, brussels sprouts and a nice ham to work with, and might have forgotten to get one of the famous evergreen conifers from Nags Head in time.

‘’You’re right,’’ JJ hummed, a big, fake smile plastered on his face. ‘’This is going to be just great.’’

But, hey, in Kiara’s defense, it really wasn’t half as bad as they were expecting it to be. Mike was way too invested in his self-proclaimed world-famous roast ham to think about questioning Kiara over their sleeping arrangements again or how the roof seemed to be leaking even though it hadn’t rained in four days, and Anna was _actually_ nice to Georgia, the kind of nice she was with the other Kook ladies at the country club, even.

Plus, when Mr. and Mrs. Heyward arrived, it felt just _right_ — like something that they could do every year, a new tradition. And even though Pope had decided to go over to Illinois to spend Christmas and New Year with his new girlfriend’s family, the patriarch of the Heyward clan video called the boy and they all talked for so many hours while cooking and decorating that it felt as if he was there with them. 

He seemed good — better than good, actually. _Great_. His girlfriend’s name was Johanna, she had a sweet smile, wore thick glasses that Pope kept mentioning were _the cutest thing ever_ (which was an expression Kiara never thought she’d hear Pope say) and had a big Death Star tattoo on her shoulder. 

Pope said they looked great as well, and when JJ said ‘ _Yeah man, we are_ ,’ it felt genuine. That for the first time in a really long time, he really was better than good — and Kiara liked to think she was at least part of the reason why. 

And though Kiara’s parents were far from perfect, she had to give it to them: they knew how to do Christmas.

In no time, the Chateau was as close as a little fishing shack on The Cut could get to Christmas Wonderland, from oversized snowflakes and harvest garlands adorned with plaid ribbons hanging from the walls to tall candlesticks and a pattern-packed tablecloth on the rustic wooden table Georgia had just gotten at a garage sale for the festivities. JJ and Kiara also busied themselves with a fair share of twinkling holiday lights, brightening up the entire living room so much that Anna and Georgia joked they might need sunglasses.

And though Georgia was doing a good job of keeping up with Anna and Mr. Heyward’s rapid fire questions (Anna’s coming mostly from curiosity, and Heyward’s out of protectiveness), Kiara was aware these types of social gatherings weren’t the easiest thing in the world for JJ.

When Mike requested the blond boy’s help with the ham, even though JJ yelled out an excited ‘ _Sure, Mr. C._ ’, Kiara could tell he wasn’t as calm about it from the way he kept on twisting the rings on his fingers and chewing on the inside of his cheeks — so she excused herself from the conversation with Pope’s mom and went to the kitchen too, making sure to have her arm around JJ’s waist and her head resting on his shoulder the whole time.

‘’We’re doing a honey glaze,’’ Mike explained in his typical _this is my kitchen and I am the chef_ voice. ‘’From scratch, of course. Us Carreras don’t do store bought.’’

Kiara had always loved watching her dad cook, ever since she was a little kid, and her heart threatened to burst from joy when she noticed that JJ seemed to appreciate it, too — his blue eyes paid close attention to the way Mike’s skilled chef hands stirred the ingredients in the saucepan, breaking up any lumps. 

‘’The apple cider and the Dijon mustard are what make it special,’’ Mike explained, JJ listening carefully and nodding his head. Kiara only realised her grip on JJ had tightened when he breathlessly yelped, her dad’s head snapping back. ‘’Kiara, give the boy some room, I’m trying to teach him something important, here.’’

Kiara felt JJ shake with laughter under her embrace and let go of his waist and shoulders, narrowing her eyes and pointing her finger towards the two men playfully. ‘’Wow, I see how it is, dad. Turning JJ into your own personal sous-chef so you don’t have to do all the work next Christmas.’’

A soft and surprised smile tugged JJ’s lips upwards as soon as the words left her mouth. Kiara shot him a reassuring wink, one she hoped had found him full of promise, one she intended to mean _it’s you and me, it’s us, this year, next year, every year after that, no matter what happens_. 

But soon realising where they were and who they were with, JJ’s smile turned into a smug grin, and he puffed his chest to say: ‘’Are you jealous of me and your dad, Kie?’’

‘’I am _so_ jealous, JJ,’’ Kiara teased, placing her hand on JJ’s shoulder and pulling his body a few centimeters down so they were at eye level. ‘’Really, so jealous that you get to spend the next couple of hours helping out in the kitchen while I drink eggnog and play poker.’’

‘’That’s a low blow, Kiara.’’ He joked, but she was pretty sure he didn’t mind spending that time with Mike all that much — at one point, he was laughing so hard at something Mike had said he nearly dropped the mashed potatoes. Proceeded to call them _smashed potatoes_ for the rest of the evening, and Mike giggled every time he did.

The actual dinner itself wasn’t as foolproof, though. As soon as they were all sat around the table, Mr. Heyward mentioned how good it was to spend Christmas with family and how much he missed Pope, since that was the first year they weren’t together — he was looking straight at Georgia as he spoke, and a deep silence followed for a few seconds before Mrs. Heyward cleared her throat and pulled everyone into a conversation about The Wreck. 

Someone also mentioned the name John B at some point, and was immediately shushed. Anna made a quick remark about the oversized shirt and linen pants Kiara was wearing instead of the plaid red dress she had gotten her the week before, and Georgia saying ‘ _Well, I think she looks gorgeous_ ’ followed by JJ nodding his head in agreement didn’t help much. And then Mike mentioned something about old friends from college, and of course that turned into a full conversation about JJ and Kiara’s plans for the future that everyone _but_ JJ and Kiara seemed to be quite interested in. 

The blond boy started bouncing his leg under the table by the second time Kiara was asked about when she planned on leaving the Outer Banks and going off to college, and she placed her hand on his thigh softly when she jabbed, ‘’I don’t know, me and JJ haven’t decided yet.’’

Mike choked on his drink and Anna’s mouth was left wide open for a few seconds after Kiara’s statement. If any of them still hadn’t noticed there had been a shift in JJ and Kiara’s relationship over the past few weeks (or months, depending on how you looked at it), they sure knew then. Because yes, maybe they had not yet talked about that kiss since it happened, but _it did_ happen, and sometimes she’d instinctively find his hand while they walked and hold it for the rest of the path, and sometimes he’d caress her bare back for hours after he thought she’d fallen asleep, and sometimes…

‘’ _Kiara_.’’ Anna called, and Kiara realised she must have been for quite a long time, all eyes on her. 

‘’What? Sorry, my mind wandered off.’’ But her hand was still on JJ’s thigh, and he put his on top of hers.

‘’I said we should open the presents now.’’ And because it was more of a command than a suggestion, Kiara only shrugged and mumbled a quick ‘ _Yeah, sure._ ’ 

They had to rearrange the layout of the living room to do it _the Carrera way_ , as Anna liked to call it, which basically meant a circle of couches, armchairs and soft pillows on the floor so that everyone could sit around the generous pile of wrapped gifts. 

JJ was quick to find his way to the most comfortable sitting spot in the room — a dark green velvet armchair Kiara had gotten dirt-cheap at a flea market in Nags Head. 

She moved towards the wooden stool next to it, but JJ grabbed her wrist and softly pulled her, giving her a second just in case that wasn’t something she felt comfortable with. When Kiara nodded, he pulled her harder until she was sitting on his lap, her legs over his and arm holding on to his neck for support. 

It felt familiar, perhaps since they had been sleeping in an embrace pretty much every night for months, but also weirdly more intimate than anything else they had done — because when Anna glanced at her, red lips pressed together, Kiara’s shrug said _I’m not moving, I belong here, right here_ , and when Georgia shot her an amused smile and a quick wink, Kiara smiled back.

His hand was on her knee for the entire time, warm fingers and cold rings pressing up against her skin bringing her more comfort than anything else ever could. And really, her sense of adventure had always been one for the books, but suddenly a weird thought creeped into her mind — one of her and JJ, two or three years from then, hosting Christmas again in a small apartment they got just for them. Her and JJ, in a house close to the ocean, baking gingerbread men cookies with a couple of kids sitting on the kitchen’s countertops. Her and JJ, old like their grandparents, grey hair and all, a big family surrounding them and exchanging gifts in a circle Carrera-Maybank style.

And the weirdest thing of all was: the idea of spending every Christmas for the rest of her life with JJ didn’t freak her out at all. Much on the contrary, it seemed _natural_ , like something that was set to happen.

Only the rough, calloused fingers drawing circles on the smooth skin of her thigh brought her back to the present.

Pope had shipped JJ and Kiara’s gifts to his dad’s back in October, as was to be expected. He had gotten Kiara a beautiful silver sea turtle pendant with crystal rhinestones that turned turquoise when the light hit it, and JJ a nicotine free pod for his Juul.

‘’Of course he’d take the fun out of it.’’ JJ teased, but held the small plastic box in his hands affectionately.

JJ wasn’t the best at buying gifts, so not forgetting about last year when JJ suggested getting Mr. and Mrs. Heyward an eight of weed each, Kiara took matters into her own hands and decided to add JJ’s name to the gifts she had chosen for everyone — cat eye glasses from Guess for her mom, a fun looking knife storage made out of sustainable wood for her dad, and a coupon for a couple’s spa day on the mainland for the Heywards. 

For Georgia, Kiara planned on getting some new blank canvases and basic art supplies — that is, until JJ poked her in the ribs at two in the morning one night and said as casually as he could ‘ _Hey, maybe we could get her a camera. I think she likes taking pictures of us_.’

So they also _casually_ searched online for six hours to find the best camera they could under their budget, and settled on a second-hand Canon Rebel that arrived just in time, the morning before Christmas Eve. 

Georgia’s blue eyes watered when she ripped open the pine tree patterned wrapping paper, hands holding onto the black object for her dear life. ‘’Oh, bless your heart, you shouldn’t have. Thank you, you sweet things.’’

And when JJ buried his face in the crook of her neck, Kiara suspected it was so no one could see the wetness sliding down his cheeks. She couldn’t help but wonder how many pictures of them would be taken with that one camera and stuck to the nearly-out-of-space fridge with a smiley face magnet — she hoped plenty.

‘’Yo, Mr. C, can you pass me the box with the dolphin sticker?’’ JJ asked, using one arm to embrace Kiara’s waist as if to tell her _hey, don’t move, I got this._

Kiara had offered to help JJ wrap any presents he had gotten by himself, but of course he refused. _‘It’s the most motherfuckin’ magical time of the year, Kie. Trust me, I got ribbons and all, I’m kind of an expert at this_.’

Well, safe to say he was definitely _not_ an expert. The rectangular box was shoddily wrapped with crumpled newspapers, which JJ made a point of justifying by saying he saw it on Pinterest and figured Kiara might like it because it was ‘ _like, eco something. Eco bendy— no, wait, shit, eco-friendly, I mean_ ’. And Kiara did kind of love it. Especially the tacky red, white and green plaid ribbon glued to the top and the giant dolphin sticker, _Merry Christmas and whatever_ written in black ink on its white belly. 

‘’Go on, open it.’’ His eyes sparkled in anticipation as he watched her tore up the wrapping paper.

All the Pogues had made an agreement between each other over the years: on birthdays and Christmas and any other special occasions, never spend more than a few bucks on a gift. Sure, they were twelve and carried nothing but pocket money when they pinky swore on that and could have definitely bumped up the budget as soon as they all got actual paying jobs, but they never did. Festivities, then, were always filled with cheap beers, a gram of weed and the occasional socks and toothbrushes Kiara would buy when she realised her boys didn’t have any. 

His feet were flat on the floor, toes tapping nervously. The cotton pullover felt soft against her skin, and she wasn’t too sure what to make of it until he said: ‘’You’re always stealing my sweatshirts, so I figured I might as well give you one.’’

Unlike his usually grey and dark blue shirts, it was in a shade of clover green, Kiara’s favorite color. She knew every piece from JJ’s very limited wardrobe by heart, and she was certain that that one didn’t belong to him.

‘’I got it at the Plaza a few weeks ago,’’ he explained, rubbing his hands together until his palms were bright red. ‘’But don’t worry, I know you like it old and worn out, so I’ve been wearing it whenever we’re not together.’’

It was stretched out, Kiara could tell, and it smelled like him — an unmistakable mixture of all things good, of the laundry detergent they used at the Chateau, of the wet grass he mowed at Figure 8 sometimes for extra cash and the body spray she kept telling him was too overpowering (but secretly loved, anyway). 

Kiara had to fight the urge to bring the soft fabric close to her face and get a good sniff of it, and as much as she thought that was cringy as hell to even think, fuck, she did feel all warm and fuzzy inside by the simple idea of JJ walking around the Chateau wearing this pullover trying to get it nice and comfortable for her. 

She wanted to kiss him. Instead, she threw her arms around his neck, letting the pullover fall between their bodies, and felt his hands holding on tightly to her hips when she said: ‘’It’s perfect, J. Thank you.’’ 

Anna didn’t seem too impressed, and Mike and Heyward were too busy whispering back and forth about the new shrimp fishing regulations. Georgia and Mrs. Heyward were the two to exchange a knowing look between one another, before softly and genuinely gushing ‘’Oh, how sweet.’’

‘’I am sweet as fuck,’’ JJ yelled out, but was quick to mumble _‘oops, sorry_ ’ when Mr. Heyward gave him a dirty look. ‘’I’m just saying, my future girlfriend is one lucky lady.’’

And Kiara felt her heart sink, just a little bit (a lot, actually, but not that she’d ever admit). She figured she managed to hide the pained expression on her face quite well by shoving the cone shaped box she had spent much more time than she’d ever admit to wrapping in JJ's face. 

JJ softly nudged her with his shoulder, long fingers struggling with the paper, the tape, the ribbons, the stupid bow. _God, why had she added a bow?_ With all eyes on her, Kiara suddenly felt like a kid, her heart pounding in anticipation and hands a bit too clammy. 

He had never been a difficult person to buy presents for. JJ was a simple dude with simple tastes — good weed, cheap beers, a working surfboard and combat boots to make him appear tough. Kiara could’ve easily gotten him a new snapback hat or funny decals for his bike and went on with her day, but instead, _instead_...

‘’Is this what I think it is?’’ JJ’s gaze was fixed on the large piece of paper in front of him, so large it nearly reached the floor when he unrolled it. ‘’Fuck, Kie, is this—’’

When the corners of his mouth turned up into what Kiara assumed had to be a smile, she felt reassured enough to cut him off. ‘’Duke Kahanamoku’s Olympic Champion poster? Yeah, it is.’’

JJ must have noticed he had been silently admiring the poster for too long, turning it around to show it off to Georgia, who sat at the corner with a mug of eggnog in her hand and a content grin on her face. 

‘’It’s the same one.’’ JJ gushed, and he seemed like a child showing off his new toy to the other kids at the playground. It made Kiara smile.

Anna lifted her perfectly plucked eyebrow, almost everyone in the room with dazed looks of bewilderment on their faces. 

‘’Am I missing something?’’ Anna asked, and Kiara felt her face redden. ‘’Who’s this Duke Kanana—Kahano—Kanaha—’’

‘’Duke Kahanamoku,’’ Georgia corrected, sitting on the arm of Anna’s chair. The Kook woman narrowed her eyes in usual fashion, but said nothing. ‘’Let’s just say these kids wouldn’t be surfing if it wasn’t for him.’’

JJ nearly jumped out of his chair, but settled back the moment he seemed to remember Kiara was still sitting on his lap. One of his hands held onto the poster protectively and the other to Kiara, keeping her steady. 

‘’He’s a fuckin’ legend, Miss Anna,’’ JJ yelled out, and Kiara pushed his shoulder. She had to play with her own hair to stop herself from playing with his in front of everyone. ‘’Hey, sorry, but you can’t be talking about _the_ Duke Kahanamoku and not say fuck. Fuckin’ legend is his official title, I don’t make the rules’’

JJ kept playing around, making jokes, trying his best to make everyone laugh (he even got Anna to chuckle, at one point). It was the same thing he did when they were all fifteen and questioned him about the ugly purple and green bruising all over his face and his body, and he’d immediately shift the mood by cracking some jokes and saying something silly until they forgot what they had asked about in the first place. 

She could tell seeing the old poster from his childhood home had brought up something in him — Kiara hoped it was good, like sticking his middle finger up to the universe and saying _fuck you, you take my shit from me, I’ll get it back_. She figured at least it couldn’t be bad, because when all the parents shifted their attention to something else, JJ buried his face in the crook of her neck and let out a relieved sigh.

‘’Thanks, Kie,’’ she felt his warm breath against her skin. ‘’I don’t think I’ve ever said this out loud before in my life but, hey, merry Christmas.’’

‘’Merry Christmas _and whatever_ to you too, J.’’ 

  
  


• • •

  
  


Kiara waved her new bracelet in front of JJ’s face as they lied down in bed. It had been a gift from Georgia, much different to the many other bracelets she carried around her wrist — golden and sparkly, with custom charms all over. 

He grasped her wrist playfully, pretending to be mad at the nonstop sound of the charms jingling with one another. ‘’I helped her pick those. Do you like them?’’

‘’I love them.’’ Kiara said, threatening to pull her wrist from him. He didn’t let her, instead, brought her hand to his lips and surprised her with a simple kiss on her fingers. 

‘’But not more than you like your new pullover, right?’’

She put it on as soon as she walked her parents to their SUV, at around one in the morning. They had asked her to come home with her again, and she said no, _again_. Told them she was already home.

And really, Kiara didn’t realise she looked anything other than perfectly fine and content until JJ turned to her, eyebrows knitted together in a little frown, and asked ‘’Dude, are you good?’’

Kiara propped herself up with the pillows. ‘’I’m fine, why?’’

‘’I dunno,’’ JJ mimicked her movements, doing the most so that they were face to face. ‘’Just feels like you’re mad at me or something.’’

‘’Why would I be mad at you?’’

‘’That sounds like a trick question.’’

Kiara rolled her eyes, let her neck and her shoulders give out so she could lay back down on the two soft pillows and stare at the ceiling. Stare at _anything_ but him. 

‘’Come on, Kie. Don’t be mad at me,’’ he asked with a big pout that made Kiara chuckle. _Just a bit_. But it seemed to be enough for him to think acting obnoxiously would get him what he wanted. ‘’Kie, Kie, _Kiara_. You know I can’t take it when you’re mad at me. Kie, Kie, Kie, Kiara, Kie—’’

‘’Jesus fucking Christ, dude,’’ she rose in bed again. ‘’I’m telling you I’m not mad, but say my name one more time and I might be.’’

She really wasn’t angry. Well, hurt, maybe — sure, they had only kissed once and then somehow forgotten to mention it again over the next week, but they had also been pretty much living together for nearly two years by then. He got her breakfast, she got him dinner, she wore his clothes more than she did her own, he gave her a kiss on the cheek every morning before heading to work and called her _baby_. Fuck, they slept on the same bed, he played his fingers through her hair until she fell asleep and she tucked the sheets around him if he was stirring during the night and JJ still had the nerve to mention a hypothetical future girlfriend _that wasn’t her._

Maybe she was more angry at herself than anything, for thinking too much and feeling too much and not saying enough.

‘’Is it because of Georgia?’’ JJ asked, twisting the silver ring on his index finger. ‘’I know she’s been here for a while now, and that you’re not really cool with a bunch of people hanging around besides you and me.’’

Hey, that had been one guy. Well, a group of guys, four of five that they knew back from high school and that JJ insisted on bringing to the Chateau at one of his lowest points after John B was gone. They were bad news, and that’s why Kiara insisted on keeping the Chateau and the whole area surrounding the Chateau a clear of strangers zone — it felt like something she had to do to keep a seventeen year old JJ from drowning, and like it or not, it worked.

‘’She’s not just a random person, JJ. She’s your mom,’’ Kiara said, but the word _mom_ made JJ flinch harder than she expected. ‘’I like Georgia. Like having her around. Don’t you?’’

He fidgeted uncomfortably in the bed, swallowed hard. ‘’It’s weird. But yeah, I kind of do, I guess. Sometimes.’’ 

And it felt like as close to a wholehearted confession about Georgia that Kiara was going to get, so she let it go. Decided she could ask him about the unopened box on the floor by the wardrobe at another time, the one he had nonchalantly shrugged and said ‘ _I’ll check it out later, thanks_ ’ when Georgia placed it on his lap during the gift exchange. 

‘’Then what is it?’’ JJ half climbed on top of Kiara’s body, hovering over her. Kiara’s heart throbbed violently, and she was afraid he might be able to feel it where their chests connected. 

Kiara could feel the warm hush of his breath against her exposed neck. He placed his hands on her shoulders in an attempt to shake the irritation out of her, and she couldn’t for the life of her find the strength to push him off playfully the way she usually would. 

‘’Come on, Kie. I have a feeling you’re doing that thing girls do when they say they’re fine but they’re actually pissed and want to rip your head off.’’

She let out an exasperated sigh. Wanted him to work for it, some small, childish part of her speaking louder than anything. ‘’I don’t do that, actually, thank you very much. You’re probably confusing me with your _future girlfriend_.’’

And sure, that did sound a lot more petty and adolescent than Kiara had the hope of ever sounding like in her life, but everyone deserved a pass every once in a while, right? 

Besides, it seemed to do the trick. Because soon JJ’s body was fully on top of hers, his arms going to rest on each side of her head so as to not suffocate her with his weight. She wanted to push him off of her and tell him to go to sleep. She wanted to pull him even closer and have him promise to never leave. 

‘’What’s that supposed to mean?’’ His breath smelled of wine and the Woobamboo toothpaste she had just gotten online. 

Her frantic gaze stumbled through the room, searching for a way to get out what was sure to be an embarrassing conversation. Something like ‘ _hey, J, I know we’ve been best friends since we were kids but I’m kind of a-little-more-like-a-lot jealous of even the idea of you dating another girl, is that cool?_ ’

There was no escape. Not with the way his blue eyes bit down hard on her. ‘’You said it.’’

‘’Said what?’’ He scratched his nose, but they lied so close Kiara could feel his fingertips against her own skin.

She exhaled in a series of short breaths. ‘’I don’t know, dude. You said something about your future girlfriend being one lucky lady.’’ Kiara cringed at her own words, feeling like too much of an insecure little girl. ‘’It’s whatever.’’

JJ rubbed his eyes with the base of his palms, as if he couldn’t believe the sight in front of him. His hands stopped the rubbing motion and moved to his hair, shoving the mop of messy blond strands away from his face as something seemed to finally dawn on him. Whatever it was, it seemed to make him quite content once the initial shock passed — the corners of his mouth turned up and he plastered a smile on his face.

‘’Kiara Carrera, are you jealous?’’ JJ hummed teasingly. ‘’Of _moi_?’’

‘’Now I regret forcing you to use that French lessons app.’’

‘’Avoir le cul bordé de nouilles,’’ he struggled through the sentence, eyes closing shut trying to focus. In other circumstances, if Kiara wasn't dying of embarrassment and hoping to crawl into a hole soon, she’d have found it tooth rotting sweet. ‘’That means _you’re jealous_ in French.’’

‘’I’m pretty sure that’s not what it means,’’ she argued, hands gripping onto his broad shoulders. ‘’Besides, _I am not_ jealous.’’

With her grip on his arms, Kiara tried to push away from him but his warm embrace was too strong — or, perhaps, the part of her that actually wanted to get away was too little.

‘’Yeah, yeah, sure,’’ JJ hummed, and Kiara smacked his chest before he could dare giggle. ‘’Hey, I’m sorry if I think it’s kind of funny that you’re jealous of a hypothetical, nonexistent chick.’’

Kiara didn’t like getting made fun of. The kids from The Cut made fun of her when she got money, and the Kook kids made fun of her because she hadn’t gotten money enough, _and she fucking hated it_. 

She crossed her arms so that their chests weren’t connected, so that he couldn’t hear the violent beat of her heart. ‘’ _I. Am. Not. Jealous_.’’

JJ pretended to agree, nodding his head up and down, but his mischievous grin gave him away. He was having the time of his life, and Kiara felt ridiculous — so much so, that she pushed him off of her a little harder than before, and he plopped down on the bed.

They were both staring at the ceiling, JJ’s arm brushed against hers, when he said ‘’I’m just messing with you, Kie.’’

‘’Well, then stop,’’ she shifted in bed so that he was facing her back. ‘’It’s not funny.’’

JJ wiggled his way under the covers and onto Kiara, his index finger went under her chin and lifted it so that her brown eyes were forced to meet his. 

‘’It is, a little bit. Especially since I was thinking about you when I said that, so you’re kind of jealous of yourself there, Kie.’’

_What?_

Kiara wasn’t sure if she had said that out loud or if it had been nothing but an echo in her brain, so, just to be sure, she asked it again. ‘’What did you say?’’

JJ glanced down at her, the corners of his lips perking up into a smug smirk. He had her, and he knew so — something screamed in Kiara hoping she had him too.

‘’You know, for the smartest chick in the OBX you can be real dumb sometimes.’’ 

His eyes burned holes right through her. Every one of her skin cells tingled, every neuron fired. She was quite aware of how silly she probably looked right then, mouth dropping open slightly as a wave of shock crossed her face.

He rolled his eyes, but it seemed more playful than out of annoyance. ‘’Come on, Kiara,’’ _Kiara_. JJ only called her that when he was about to say something really bad. Or something really good. ‘’We’re living the domestic life, baby.’’

She wished he’d stop joking, even for only a second. Wished he’d look at her without a playful smile and tell her something _real_ — and maybe he could read her thoughts, or at least read the golden spark in her eyes, because that was exactly what he did.

‘’Kie, I know you could be anywhere. You could be, like, in that college your mom wants you to go to, or studying on The East Coast with Pope, or off to Thailand or New Zealand or, fuck, you could be at your parents’ fuckin’ Kook mansion living the high life,’’ his lower lip quivered, and she instinctively cupped his cheeks with her hands. A desperate need to comfort him that came within her at all times, no matter the circumstances. ‘’But you’re here instead, like, always. You’re here when I wake up, and when I leave work, and when I go to sleep. Did I ever say thank you for that? Fuck, I don’t think I have, right?’’

‘’JJ, you don’t have to—’’

‘’Yeah, I do,’’ he placed his hands on top of hers, and every one of their limbs were so connected Kiara figured they might merge into one at any point. ‘’You saved me, you know? I would still be getting drunk and high all day if it weren’t for you. I wouldn’t have gotten a job, wouldn’t have kept this place. I wouldn’t have read the letter Georgia wrote me, no way. Kie, you gave me a Christmas, do you know how much that fuckin’ matters to me? I hadn’t had one in years, and you gave me one with my family, at my home.’’

Tears coursed down her cheeks unchecked, having a hard time holding back a sob. The ache in her chest almost seemed to explode then, because, fuck, _he_ was home. She had toyed with that thought before — every time her parents asked her to go back home, and her brain immediately took her to JJ and the Chateau and their little morning routine and the new plants they had started growing in the grass where a hot tub once stood. But she was only certain in that moment, when the first tear that flooded JJ’s eyes fell down onto her cheek and mixed with her own.

‘’Thank you for being here, Kie.’’

She pulled him closer. Let her nose brush against his, her warm breath meet his face. ‘’Don’t thank me for coming home,’’ and just because she knew he needed more, she added ‘’I’ll always come home.’’

And this time around, their kiss was everything but soft — it was rough, fast paced, a teeth clashing and sloppy kind of kiss that made Kiara dizzy. She was hungry for him, had definitely been since they kissed for the first time in the living room, probably a lot longer than that. 

JJ’s hands were gently placed on her hip bones, calloused fingers running up and down her skin as if testing the waters. Kiara could picture his confused thoughts running wild into a mixed, entangled mess of _how far should I take this?_ and _is this ok?_ , and she just wanted to scream _yes, yes, yes, this is more than ok_. 

Instead, Kiara took matters into her own hands. Tugged her new pullover off and over her head, taking the black lace bralette she wore with it — and really, Kiara had never been the one to initiate this kind of thing or the first one to get naked, but it was JJ on top of her, the same JJ who had accidentally seen her without a shirt on more times than she could count on ten fingers, the same JJ who had helped her remove a gone-very-wrong nipple piercing she got at a sketchy place by the shore when she was fifteen. 

It was JJ, and she knew that when it came to her (and her only), the boy was an overthinker. 

‘’God damn it, Kie,’’ he mumbled as the pullover and the bralette hit the floor by the bed, touching his hair with both hands like he couldn’t trust them that close to her half naked body. ‘’Warn a guy first.’’

His half-open eyes stared down at her breasts in amazement, and Kiara thought about making a joke and asking him if he’d never seen boobs before — she figured it was probably better that she did not, because knowing JJ, he’d make it a point to say he had seen plenty of boobs before, thank you very much. And fuck that. If Kiara had any say in the matter, that boy would not be looking at someone else’s naked body but hers ever again. 

‘’Maybe I will next time.’’ It sounded a lot like a promise. Like she wanted to ask him, ‘ _this is more than a one night thing, right?_ ’

And the way he doubtlessly pulled at the hem of his hoodie and matched her shirtless with one swift motion seemed a lot like a _yes_. 

His dominant hand found its way to her jaw, tilting her head to the side so that he could easily trace her exposed skin with his mouth. Wet open mouthed kisses travelled down her neck at an agonizing pace, only reaching her collaborne for what seemed like ages after he had started his skilled work. 

From there to her chest, though, it took no more than a second — Kiara’s back arched up when his tongue first made contact with her nipple, drawing soft and slow circles around it. She quickly drew in a frustrated breath, wanting more, more and _more_ , so desperate for his touch that she couldn’t even bring herself to make a snarky remark at the self-satisfied smirk on JJ’s swollen lips.

Deciding it was time to take matters into her own hands once again, Kiara ran her fingers through his disheveled blond hair, pulling him closer to her body. JJ seemed to get the hint, connecting his mouth back to her nipple but, this time, all teeth and tongue. 

Every once in a while, after he had heard her whimper once or twice, he’d give her a minute to collect herself — left gentle kisses all over and around her breasts while allowing his hands to do most of the work, ring clad fingers tracing her areolas in a circling motion.

He was too much and not enough all at once. JJ had more of a _let’s get this over and done with_ approach to most things in life, but apparently, not when it came to _this_. No, he was taking his time — and Kiara could tell it was difficult for him to do so, his obvious boner pressing against her thigh.

His lips, his tongue, his hands were all over her, such an overwhelming feeling already building up in her lower stomach that Kiara couldn’t tell when or where, losing most of her senses — anything that wasn’t about seeing him, feeling him, kissing him, having him, simply did not matter. Not at all. Not even a little bit.

‘’JJ?’’ Kiara called, brown eyes still closed shut. He only hummed in response against her skin, not daring to leave the place between her breasts wasn’t it absolutely necessary. 

She tugged at his hair lightly, pulling him towards her until they were face to face. There was a flush creeping up his neck and his cheeks, and his pupils were so dilated Kiara could barely see the hint of blue in his eyes — God damn it, if that wasn’t one of the hottest things she had ever seen in her life.

‘’Yeah?’’ he questioned, licking his lips. There was a hint of worry when he did so. ‘’Did I do something wrong?’’

And because she wanted to put him out of his misery as soon as possible, Kiara was quick and adamant to say ‘’ _No, no, no_ ,’’ repeating the same word probably many more times than she ever had to. 

His eyes immediately softened and he drew a sharp breath in something Kiara could only describe as relief. She cupped his cheek with one hand, both of their breathing fast and uneven with an obvious desire none of them had any intentions to keep hidden any longer.

‘’Tell me what you want, Kie.’’ 

And it seemed quite obvious — though it was not what she _wanted_ , per se, but what she _needed_. She had for such a long time, not even that small voice telling her to stop for a second and to think straight could hold her back. 

‘’You,’’ she panted, ‘’Want you, J.’’

Every muscle in his body went rigid, as if his brain couldn’t process that _hey, this is actually happening_. Kiara took that as the perfect moment to gain control, rolling her bodies so that she was on top — he was taken aback by the action, but from the way he drew up a shallow breath and let his fingers dug into the skin of Kiara’s waist, it didn’t seem that he wanted to complain. 

Kiara climbed onto his lap so that she was straddling him a kneeling position, and JJ, apparently recovered from his initial shock, stretched his arms out behind him in support so that he could keep on littering hickies along her jaw, her neck, her breasts, sucking and nipping at an unholy pace. And really, Kiara wasn’t fourteen anymore and for a long time had considered hickies a childish and slightly patriarchal way to show the world you’re someone’s possession, but, hey, a girl can bite her tongue every once in a while, and when it was JJ’s mouth and teeth all over her skin it didn’t seem as silly as it usually did. 

It also wasn’t long before her sense of longing and need struck again, a black hole opening up in her chest that could only be filled by JJ, JJ, _JJ_. Kiara wasn’t too sure whether she kept on repeating his name out loud or if it was just echoing in her brain.

Following a sudden primal instinct within her, Kiara placed her hands gently on his shoulders and held on to them to up and lower herself onto his length. There were still layers of fabric between them, but JJ let out a low whimper when she kept bucking her hips up and down, his tongue darted out of his mouth to lick his already red and puffy lips. 

She kept on alternating slow and shallow strokes with deep, circular motion thrusts, in a way that seemed almost like proving a point — because all the girls at the Boneyard and at school had been praising JJ and his hands and his mouth for years, but, hey, Kiara was _good_ too. And she wanted him to know so. Wanted him to say her name again and again and again, until his lips dried up and his throat was sore, until he promised her there’d never be anyone else but here.

‘’Fuck, Kiara,’’ he growled in her ear. ‘’You should stop doing that or I’m about to fuckin’ embarrass myself here and come in my pants.’’

Kiara giggled. All of the guys she had ever slept with, and not that her body count was even that high, but they were all pretty serious in the sheets. That wasn’t a bad thing, per se, but JJ’s tongue-in-cheek comments and cheesy smile while she was trying to get off on him were so particularly JJ that Kiara was quite sure, from then on out, she’d always see this as the right way. 

She was very much sure that JJ was it for her.

‘’And are you going to do something about it?’’ Kiara teased.

All hooded eyes and darkened pupils blown wide, JJ used all the strength in his arms and hips to push back into her without warning. And, fuck, she felt dumb for getting this worked up this quickly, but couldn’t help the breathy moan that escaped her lips.

She felt him smile against the skin on her shoulder, nipping and surely leaving more love marks all over her upper body. ‘’Oh, Kie, I’m doing _so much_ about it, let me tell you.’’

JJ’s ring-clad fingers dipped in the waistband of her favorite Christmas pajama pants — striped, red and white, with tiny elves all over. He was wearing a similar pair, because of course she had gotten them matching pants last December. 

He stared right into her eyes, giving her a few seconds in case she wanted to step in and put a stop to whatever it was they were about to do. She didn’t, so, instead, he took his middle and index fingers to his own mouth and licked them, one before the other, to push them back inside Kiara’s pants.

The position they were in wasn’t the easiest when it came to access, but Kiara wasn’t about to let him take control again — she had a feeling if she did, there was no way she’d be getting it back any time soon. So, Kiara helped him as much as she could, lifting her hips with the help of her arms that rested on either side of his flushed face. 

The corners of his lips perked up into a smirk a second before his thumb found her clit, already aware of the effect he had and would continue to have on her. And, fuck, she couldn’t even find the strenght to be annoyed at his smugness, because she was too busy trying to keep her desperate moans to a minimum as his thumb rubbed up and down, side to side, and up and down again her clit, and his first finger went inside her. 

She was expecting him to make a comment about how worked up she was even before he started touching her, but instead, he added his second finger, undoubtedly noticing she didn’t need any more time for him to be able to do so. Curled them in a ‘ _come here_ ’ motion at just the right spot, touching her where she needed him most.

He pulled her chest closer to his face, mouth finding her breasts once again, lightly biting her left nipple while his free hand tweaked her right one. It was so much all at once, Kiara felt as if she might as well explode into a warm and frenzied wave of pure joy.

‘’Another one?’’ He offered, not daring to leave the spot on her breast as he did so. ‘’Can you do another for me?’’

And because there was no way in hell she could say no to that, Kiara nodded. Only a few seconds later, when he still only had two fingers inside her, she remembered that he was probably too busy with her nipples to see her pleading face, and said ‘ _yes, yes, yes_ ’ until he got the message. 

This time, he had her lick his ring finger, his tongue already preoccupied with something else. Kiara opened her mouth instinctively, sucking on his finger for longer than she had to and releasing it with a loud pop. She felt him twitch underneath her, poking her thigh.

He traced his very wet finger around her already stretched out opening, and Kiara franctily inhaled, hot-blooded and overwhelmed in all the right ways. What had started slowly and gently turned into a fast and intense search for that feeling that kept building up in Kiara’s lower stomach, so much she was soon grinding on his hand, feeling his rings cold against her walls.

‘’Fuck, don’t stop,’’ she pleaded, hips bucking into his fingers and back arching towards his mouth so he could continue with the rhythimic flow of biting and licking. 

‘’I got you, Kie. You can let go.’’

JJ curled his three fingers and pressed his thumb against her clit one more time before she released, quieting her screams by placing her head in the crook of his neck and biting on his shoulder strongly enough to draw blood. 

He let her fully come down from her high before withdrawing his fingers, wrapping his arms around her waist and connecting his mouth to hers again, all teeth and tongue. 

And because Kiara knew JJ like the palm of her hand, she was pretty sure he’d be sinking into a pool of apprehensive panic over what they had just done soon unless she said something, unless she reassured him that yes, she wanted this too, she needed this too. 

‘’JJ?’’ She hummed against his neck, still having a hard time with the attempt to keep her breathing steady. Felt his body tense underneath her, and the vibration of a sound getting stuck in his throat. ‘’Take off your pants.’’

His jaw went slack, like he couldn’t believe _that_ was actually going to happen even though he had his fingers inside of her a mere few seconds before. ‘’We don’t have to if you don’t want to.’’

‘’I wouldn’t have asked you if I didn’t,’’ she said matter-of-factly, because it sounded ridiculous that he’d even question her longing for him while she was literally straddling him. ‘’Do _you_ want to?’’

He barely took one second to respond ‘’Fuck yeah, I fuckin’ want to.’’ He pulled her pants down first, his teeth scraping against the skin of her neck as he aided her.

His similar looking pants and boxers were discarded soon after, and both sighed heavily as they took in the sights of each other fully naked. It wasn’t all new — Kiara had seen a very drunk JJ skinny-dip at the Boneyard after a kegger more than a few times (called him _ghost ass_ for weeks), and JJ had always been prone to walking into the bathroom at the Chateau without knocking first. 

But this time, it felt different. It felt deliberate, and intimate, and like the start of something extraordinary. There was what could only be described as awe in his baby blue eyes as he stared at her, and for the first time since she had started doing this kind of thing with guys during her Kook year, Kiara didn’t feel the need to cover herself up. She wanted JJ to see her, all of her, every bit that was beautiful and every piece she didn’t like as much.

His jaw went slack when she collected the pre-cum from his tip and used it to stroke the hard shaft of his cock up and down, applying more pressure and twisting her hand every once in a while. JJ’s head fell back against the wooden headboard, eyes closed shut and swollen lips slightly parted. 

She figured she could keep doing that for days, listening to his heavy breathing and breathy grunts caused by nothing other than her skilled fingers, but JJ had other ideas she was surely not opposed to. 

JJ thrusted his hips into her hands a few times before he reached for the bedside table and fumbled a blue wrapper from inside the second to last drawer. Kiara took it from his hands, something she had never done before, but at least had seen it done in movies plenty of times. Carefully opened the wrapper with her teeth, placed the condom on the head of his dick and rolled the rubber all the way down his shaft, making sure to add extra downward pressure just to hear him whine again.

She used her thumb and pointer finger to hold his cock in place, wrapped her free hand around the back of his neck to draw him in as close as possible, wanting to feel his warm breath against her chest. When she sank down onto him in one swift movement, they both whimpered desperately, like they had been waiting to do so for too long of a time.

‘’Jesus Christ, Kiara,’’ he clutched her hips, the cold metal of his rings sending shivers down her spine. ‘’You feel even better than how I imagined it.’’

She giggled, but it came out as more of a breathy moan than anything. ‘’You been thinking about me?’’

He poked her nose. ‘’Always, baby.’’

In desperate need for more contact and more friction and more _JJ_ , Kiara began moving her hips with the help of his tight grip. She went up and down, back and forth, a sheen of sweat covering both their bodies and sporadic, urgent moans escaping in the back of their throats.

Kiara lied down flat on him, missing the way his lips felt against hers, and kissed him passionately as she continued to ride him. Kept her chest pressed against his, gazes connected, moving so slowly and gently it was almost painful — he had her circle around his cock with the help of his hands, finding a steady rhythm that seemed to be just perfect for the both of them.

JJ broke the kiss to prop himself up on one elbow, ramming his hips up into her to meet her movements halfway. With this new found angle her clit rubbed against his pelvic bone, and the first time it did so, Kiara cried out in ecstasy, nails digging holes into his chest. 

He had to know he was doing at least something right, but still, whenever he changed the rhythm or the angle even if only slightly, he’d whisper, teeth nipping at her earlobe, ‘’Good?’’

‘’Fuck, so good.’’ Kiara would whisper back, not even a little bit embarrassed by how much her whole body responded to his touch.

Even though she was on top, he guided her movements, which Kiara was thankful for after her legs had started to give out from exhaustion. Every deep thrust and every grinding motion took her a step closer to her high, the pit of her stomach becoming full.

She could tell JJ was close, too, from the way his brows knitted together in concentration and the ramming of his hips against hers had turned sloppy and erratic. His lips caught hers in a hard kiss and his hand traveled to the space in between their connected bodies, his thumb drawing circles on her clit.

That was it for her, a wave of emotion and euphoria threatening to spill at any second. ‘’JJ, I— I’m gonna—,’’

‘’I know, I know,’’ he tugged at her nipples with his free hand, allowing Kiara to take back control of the movements and use his body in whatever way she needed right then. ‘’Fuck, you’re so fuckin’ hot, I’m right behind you, Kie. Come for me again, baby.’’

And like she had been expecting his approval to do so, Kiara let go, a burning sensation causing her toes to curl and come undone around him and she cried out. She closed her eyes as tears formed, the feeling of his cock twitching inside her and his hand gripping hard enough on her skin to leave bruises too overwhelming for her to hold it in.

His head tilted back with one last thrust, and he moaned loud into her mouth when she brought their faces together. Kiara’s whole body was trembling, and though JJ’s wasn’t much better, he placed his hands on her thighs to steady them as both rode out their highs for as long as possible.

JJ smirked against her lips. ‘’So, two times, huh?’’ he panted, and Kiara used all of the strength she had left to let out a giggle. ‘’Think you can do three next time?’’

‘’ _Three?_ ’’ Kiara kissed JJ’s shoulder sloppily, and felt his muscles relax when she did so. ‘’I always took you as a little more bold than that, Maybank. I was thinking four.’’

‘’Now that’s my girl.’’ 

• • •

  
  


JJ and Kiara were summer people, through and through, but they had learned how to enjoy late December and early January, and all that came with it — mornings spent having hot chocolate and fresh waffles for breakfast, afternoons watching movie after movie under a fort made of blankets in the living room and nights of a whole lot of making out and fucking until the weather felt as warm as the one from when come July.

They had not yet discussed the formalities of their new relationship, and Kiara didn’t necessarily feel the need to, as long as JJ wasn’t hooking up with other girls (and she _knew_ he wasn’t, he told her he wasn’t even without her asking), she was fine with whatever arrangement it was they had going on.

Georgia had been the first to notice the shift, which was understandable considering she lived with them and spent most of her free time with the couple ( _of friends_. Or something). 

She had started to take more pictures of them, too — pictures of them holding hands as they walked, and brushing their teeth side by side in the bathroom, and falling asleep on top of each other wherever they could. Kiara would often wake up in the morning and walk into the kitchen to find the fridge covered by more and more pictures, until January went by and there was no space left.

‘’Kiara,’’ Georgia said one Thursday night, when JJ had had to work extra hours at the auto-shop to fix a motor. The two had spent all afternoon painting outside on the porch, and Kiara dropped her overused paint-brush to the wooden floor. ‘’Do you remember what you said to me when y’all were kids?’’

The question took Kiara by surprise — since moving into the Chateau, Georgia had somehow tiptoed around JJ, doing her best to not upset him. And, more often than not, that meant not bringing up the past, not talking about how or why she left and Luke Maybank and the loss of his best friend and everything in between. That was the first time, in a really long time, Kiara had seen Georgia mention something from her and JJ’s childhood, or something older than two months, for that matter.

‘’I’m not sure what you mean.’’

‘’Well, y’all were little. I had to go over to the school to pick JJ up early because he’d gotten into a fight with this other boy,’’ Georgia reminisced, and Kiara searched hard in her mind for that day, only being met by foggy memories of a blond boy with a lip split open. ‘’JJ punched the kid right in the nose because he said something nasty to you during class.’’

Suddenly, it all came crashing together: the boy’s name was Darren Thomas, he was two years older than them and a whole lot bigger than JJ, but it didn’t matter. As soon as he pulled on Kiara’s braids and called her ‘ _a little slut in the making_ ’ during recess, JJ lunged violently at the brunette boy and made sure he knew never to mess with Kiara again. 

‘’Y’all were sitting on a little bench, waiting for me,’’ Georgia continued, sitting next to Kiara in the free hammock, finding the floor a little too hard for her back. ‘’And after he got in the car, you turned to me and you said ‘ _Georgie_ ’, you said it just like that, ‘ _Georgie, when we’re older, I think he might be the one’_ ’’.

Kiara swallowed hard, a flush instinctively creeping up her neck. ‘’I said that?’’

‘’You did,’’ Georgia chuckled. ‘’Kids, am I right?’’

‘’Georgia?’’ Kiara became aware of her own heartbeat, loud and clear.

‘’Yes, sweetheart?’’

‘’We’re older now,’’ she said, resting her chin on her hand as Georgia watched her carefully. ‘’And I think he might be the one.’’

And the woman nodded, smacking her glossy lips in satisfaction as if she knew so all along, and had only been patiently waiting for the two to figure it out themselves. ‘’I’m sure he is,’’ Georgia hummed in triumph, ‘’So y’all keep taking care of each other when I’m away, yeah?’’

They always knew she couldn’t say forever. She had a job back in Ohio as a secretary at a veterinary clinic, and two orange tabby cats named Warhol and Indigo that she had left behind with a neighbour. 

It was a Tuesday night when she let them know it was time for her to go, and a Saturday morning when she did. Helped her pack her bags, put them in the trunk of Kiara’s car and watched the ferry leave — stayed looking at the water, hand in hand, long after she was gone.

The Chateau felt weirdly quiet without her, and the porch too empty without all the half-done painting and blank canvases. She was only a phone call away, but again, so was Pope, and they hadn’t spoken to him since Christmas — it was different to having someone physically by your side all the time, both JJ and Kiara knew so. 

‘’We can take a couple of weeks off before summer,’’ Kiara offered, because even though Georgia had promised to come back to the Outer Banks once August came, it seemed awfully far away then. ‘’See what’s out there in Ohio. Could be fun.’’

‘’Yeah, maybe,’’ he said, before backtracking. ‘’But, you know, I’ve got a lot of work at the auto-shop, so probably not.’’

Kiara knew it was hard for him, dealing with the one part of his brain that said _she’s your mom, you love her, let her know you love her_ and the other part that pulled and tugged and screamed _she left you, you were only a boy and she left_. 

So Kiara didn’t want to push him, didn’t want to act like a family therapist when she had no place in doing so — sure, when Georgia was getting into the ferry, she pushed him towards the blonde woman so that he wouldn’t let her go without a hug, and when she texted him from the mainland, Kiara kept reminding him of it until he got tired of her nagging and typed a short response. But she didn’t mention the unopened box by their bed, the one Georgia had given JJ on Christmas, until the boy did so himself.

He had it on the kitchen counter after Kiara got home from work one day. His back was turned to it as he prepared dinner, a skill he had been trying to master with the constant help of Mike Carrera, who JJ had started texting often with the excuse of hoping to get some cooking tips.

‘’What’s that?’’ Kiara asked, taking off her dripping wet jacket and high-tops off.

‘’Oh, hey Kie,’’ JJ mumbled a quick ‘ _fuck, God damn it_ ’ after picking up a hot pot by the handle, letting it fall back on the stove with a bang. ‘’It’s my world famous chicken carbonara. Well, it’s not famous yet, because it’s my first time doing it and all, but I’m sure it’ll be soon. Tell your dad.’’

She placed her set of keys on the counter by the box. ‘’Cool, but I actually meant this thing right here.’’

He turned his head from the stove to look back at Kiara, and set the spatula down. ‘’Oh, that.’’

‘’Yes, _that_ ,’’ Kiara shifted her weight between feet and rocked from side to side. ‘’You want to open it?’’

He took his focus back to the food in front of him, and only answered with a casual ‘ _Yeah, I guess_ ’, as he hadn’t taken months to even dare touch that box from its spot in their room. 

She took a step forward almost involuntarily, feeling the need to wrap her arms around his waist as he busied himself with dinner for the two. ‘’You want me to open it with you?’’

‘’Yeah,’’ he said without a second thought, and Kiara figured he had probably left the item in plain sight right before her arrival for a reason. ‘’Yes, please.’’

And so they did, slowly and carefully, while sitting together on the pull out couch with bowls of chicken carbonara between them. Inside the box was written in thick black ink, ’ _To my son, a trip down memory lane_ ’, which seemed like more than enough reason to bring hesitancy to JJ’s whole demeanor, blood draining from his face. Kiara gripped his hand, giving him the strength to keep going.

It was a pile of pictures, postcards, notes and letters, most older, from when JJ would have been around thirteen or fourteen, but some recent ones as well. A few of the notes seemed to be journal entries, and when Kiara took them into her hands, JJ nodded, giving her a silent permission to read them to him.

‘ _He hit me again today, and JJ saw it happen. I wonder if he continues to see it, again and again, he’ll start to think that’s something people just do_.’

‘ _I think he might kill me if I stay. And if I take JJ with me, he’ll have the police track us down. Then he might kill us both_.’

‘ _I kissed my baby boy goodnight for the last time, tonight. A big part of me died when I did so._ ’

‘ _Before I go to bed, I have to keep telling myself I’ll go back for him. I will, someday. Once it’s safe. But every day that goes by, I think he might be forgetting me just a little more, or God forbid, hating me a little more_.’

There were dozens and dozens of tiny pieces of paper crumpled up together, and Kiara stopped reading them before she was even halfway done. Took their half-eaten bowls of food to the little wooden table by the couch and sat on JJ’s lap comfortably, letting his arms wrap around her body and his head nestle deep in the crook of her neck as she continued to look through the contents of the memory box.

She picked one of the oldest looking letters, dated 2015, the paper ripped at the edges and colored yellow. 

‘ _My dear JJ. I’m not sure whether this letter will ever find out, but just in case it does, whenever that is, I should tell you first and foremost: I am sorry, my son. I failed you, and there isn’t a day that goes by that my heart doesn’t ache and screams and bleeds for you. The truth is, before being a mom, I am only human, and a scared human does scary things. Leaving you behind was the scariest, most monstrous thing I have ever done, and though I don’t think I will ever forgive myself for it, what keeps me going is the hope that you might, someday_.’ 

Kiara felt his tears against her shoulder, his posture going limp as if all his bones had dissolved away. ‘’Do you want me to read the rest?’’

JJ drew in a deep breath, holding onto her body even tighter. ‘’Yeah, I do.’’

‘ _I pray that your father never lays a hand on you. I pray that Big John watches over you, like he always has, and that you find solace in your friends. I pray that you grow to be strong, and good, and generous, and kind. I pray that you’re happy, my beautiful boy. I pray that you find it in your heart to love hard, and that you’re met with love right back. I pray to hear you call me mom again, as selfish as that may be, because even if I’m away, you will never not be my darling son._ ’

JJ’s chin trembled as he cried out, eyes welled up with tears unable to hold them back any longer. And Kiara held him tight, let the flood of his tears gush down her neck and dampen her cotton shirt. ‘’You’re ok, J. Get it all out, I’ve got you. I got you.’’

He mumbled a few incoherent words, choking on his quiet sobs, before Kiara cupped his cheeks with her hands and brushed her thumb along his chapped lips. ‘’Kie?’’ He sniffed, face blotchy and eyes bloodshot.

‘’Yeah?’’

He picked a piece of lint from her sleeve, played with it between his fingers. ‘’I think I want to call my mom.’’

‘’Ok,’’ Kiara agreed, rubbed their noses together and pecked his tear-stained cheek. ‘’Let’s go get your phone, we’ll call your mom.’’

Kiara wasn’t too sure about what the future had in store for her. 

Maybe she’d follow her parents’ advice and head to college next semester, or the semester after that. Maybe she’d pack her bags one day and buy a plane ticket to the first place she spotted on a map, try her best to get to know the world inch by inch for a year or two. Maybe she’d stay in the Outer Banks, keep her home, take over The Wreck after her dad retired.

It didn’t matter — it didn’t matter at all, not even a little bit. 

Because whatever happened and whenever she ended up, JJ Maybank would always be the one. 

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> come cry about jiara (and way too many other ships) with me on tumblr 🤍 @jiaaras


End file.
